Do I Feel Encouraged By This Person?

“If our relationship, friendship, or connection isn't mutually helping us row or re-energize our souls, then we are just wasting each other’s time.” Unknown

You should be able to answer yes to these three questions: Do I feel lighter after being with this person? Do I feel encouraged? Do I feel valued?

With the newness of a budding romance, everything looks wonderful. Of course we feel lighter, brighter, floating on air. Is this just the rush of dopamine and norepinephrine? When the newness wears off, what will you be left with?

I have been in relationships where I felt like the consolation prize and ones where I was made to feel like the ultimate grand prize. It is easy to guess which ones I enjoyed more...

When I was the consolation prize, I struggled to understand why, when I loved this person so deeply, they did not love me as much. I thought if I put in more effort, showed more love, I could change his mind about me. I am sure you can guess that I eventually figured out he was never going to feel about me the way I felt about him and things ended. If you have to stand on your head to try to make someone love and value you, you are shortchanging yourself. We should not have to perform or earn love and respect like some trained circus animal.

While the person we are with should value us, this is not the way to gain self-worth. We need to value ourselves first. If the only value we think we have is that assigned to us by another person, what if that person changes their mind or dies, do we then have no value to anyone? I speak not here that the person we love assigns our value, but that they see our value. They need to see and respect what we bring to the table, not just accept it as their due.

I hope no one reading this is thinking, ‘but I am worthless’. When we feel bad about ourselves, we do things to try to make ourselves feel better. We think if anyone at all wants us, no matter the reason, that gives us value. You are so wrong. You have value and are worthwhile and I am sorry if you have been made to feel this way. Before you try to be with someone else, you need to first learn to love yourself. Then when you see you are a kickass, beautiful human, you can head out and find someone that is worth being with you!

We should be in ‘growth mode’ our entire life. Wanting to learn new things and become a better version of ourselves. The person we are with should help us in this regard. They should help us to follow our dreams, not tell us what they are. We might see that our spouse would be a great teacher, but we have no right to sign them up for this degree. What we want for them may be different then what they want for themselves. You need to follow your partner’s lead, not drag them along. When you try to push someone into doing what you want, the natural instinct is to resist. Just as we must not live our child’s life for them, we can not live our spouse’s either.

Plants need water, sun, and soil to grow; if well taken care of, they will yield beautiful blooms. People too need the right environment to be the best version of themselves. Home should be where we feel safe, loved, and supported. Where we blossom. The people there should be those that help us feel good about ourselves and help and encourage us to pursue our dreams. No one wants to come home at the end of the day and be told – or made to feel – they are less than.