Do They Have Difficulty Apologizing?

“An apology means nothing if they don't stop doing what they are apologizing for. Believe action, not words.” Mandy Hale

You are going to screw something up in your relationship at some point. That is a fact. If we are honest with ourselves and have a healthy sense of self, we should be able to acknowledge we are wrong sometimes and, being human, we make mistakes. How you and your partner handle this is an important measure of how well things turn out for your relationship.

Some people have a hard time saying sorry. They may have been shamed or punished as a child when a mistake was made and now can’t accept responsibility. Dr. Guy Winch says, “Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; open the door to shame.”

An inability to apologize may, however, just be due to their gender. Studies have shown that women apologize more than men. Women apologize as an expression of sympathy, but also in order to build and maintain relationships. Dr. Deborah Tannen helps us understand why men do so less often: “An apology is a move that frames the apologizer as one-down.” So, to apologize is a sign of weakness, fault, or vulnerability.

From personal experience, I know this gender difference in frequency to be true. I would say sorry to restore peace in the relationship even when I didn’t think I was wrong. On the other hand, I only heard sorry once in my marriage. Is it because he never screwed up? Far from it. Some say this is because men need to protect their fragile ego. Studies at the University of Waterloo, however, concluded that men have a higher threshold as to what actually requires an apology.

My concern here is not so much in this difference in how and why genders differ in the way an apology is issued. It is more in the misuse of the word sorry. Some say it, but don’t mean it or use it as a manipulation. I see criminals apologizing before sentencing and wonder what they are saying sorry for...because they got caught?

A true apology has four parts: the words, ‘I am sorry’, an acknowledgement of blame, a vow to not do this action again, and amends. I have heard it is easier to ask forgiveness then permission. This is a pattern that doesn’t have a place in a well-functioning relationship. If your partner is always coming to you asking for forgiveness, even with a genuine apology, are they really sorry if they do not change? You need to have trust in a relationship.

I, for most of my life, didn’t realize that many apologies I was given didn’t qualify as a true apology. When you tell someone you are sorry they feel that way, that is not an apology, you are telling them that what they feel is wrong or that their perception of the situation is. It puts the other person in a position of seniority, such that they get to judge how you feel. It kind of feels like an apology to the listener though, especially if the words sorry have never passed the speaker’s lips before. This is merely misdirection, sleight of hand, if you will.

A true apology never has the word but in it. Dr Phil states, “‘But’ is a powerful word, it means forget everything I just said, I’m now going to tell you what I really mean.” In an apology, it says I have a good reason why I did what I did or someone else is to blame. This is a backhanded apology that can placate a person into feeling like they have been apologized to, while sometimes turning the blame back onto the person that has been wronged. “I’m sorry but you made me so mad.”

These are not genuine apologies and we need to learn not to accept them.

‘I’m sorry’ is a complete sentence. As Erin from The Office says, “Buts are for pooping”.