Are You Marrying the Person or the Dream?

 “I’ve been waiting for ages for my prince charming. I think he died on the way to the castle...” Anonymous

We all want to live ‘the dream’. What that looks like varies from person to person: it may be to become a rock star or to be obscenely rich. For some, the dream is to meet the ideal person and live happily ever after. When you fall in love with someone, you need to be clear on how you define ‘happily ever after’. How will you know you’ve achieved this, if you don’t take the time to define it beforehand?

Some people are prone to envision a whole lifetime very early in a relationship. We imagine the house we will live in, the children we will have, and sitting around the tree Christmas morning ten years in the future...even before we have introduced our date to our parents. If there is no ring on your finger, it is foolish to be picking out china patterns. Until you are more committed to each other, keep your dreams for the future in check. Unrealistic expectations was listed by forty-five percent of people as a major contributor that led to their divorce. (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005)

We sometimes too fall in love with the potential of a person. We see those aspects that make them a good fit, but ignore those that do not. We assume if we love them deeply enough, it will change any undesirable traits. We hope the person we are with will grow to fill the dream, rather then amend the dream to fit the reality. But problems we have before tying the knot rarely get better after and certainly not if we are not actively working on changing.

I once heard a woman say of the guy she was dating that she wanted to help him ‘become someone’. She then set about paying for classes and helping him become better. Turns out, once he became someone, he wanted someone better. Rather then look to someone’s potential, we should take them as we find them. If they are not good enough as they are, move on. Why waste your time?

Some of us are good at seeing the best in people. We should all want to grow and be better people, but if your partner doesn’t want it for themselves. you shouldn’t drag them kicking and screaming. If you are hanging on only for the expectation of the better, it could be a rough ride. One that often ends in disappointment.

While we often try to find someone to fit our dreams, I also see people who act like a chameleon to fit into their partner’s dreams. If he’s into guitars, she runs out and buys one because it’s always been something she wanted to do. If she’s into hiking, he spends his weekends hitting the trails with her. If you’ve seen the Netflix movie, Love Hard, this might sound very familiar... This is essentially the definition of ‘catfishing’ – i.e. pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of fitting what you believe is someone else’s vision of the perfect partner.

While it is good to try out the other’s hobbies, we need to be honest about who we are and what our interests are. If you actually hate being in the woods, then you are unlikely to keep up with your hiker girlfriend over a lifetime. It is hard to maintain something that is just an act, the truth will come out eventually. It may be hard to accept, but maybe they would be happier with someone else in the long run.

It may be that you have the right kind of person, they are devoted, kind, but has a few rough edges. Sounds like time to book the chapel, right? Turns out she doesn’t want children and wants to live in a yurt in Mongolia and raise camels. This is a far cry from your dream of two kids and a house down the street from your parents. Plus you’re allergic to camels!

It is okay to have a dream, but we need to be realistic about whether this person is the right fit for that dream. You do not want to be like the step-sisters in Cinderella, who cut off their toes to try to fit into the glass slipper.