Have You Accepted Each Other's Flaws?

 “Find someone who knows all your flaws and mistakes, but doesn’t judge you and accepts you as you are.” Unknown

We come into a relationship with flaws and baggage, we pile it next to our partner’s trunks and suitcases of baggage and hope that it doesn’t take up too much space in your life. When romance is new, we may admire the other for traits different than ours. Things that may seem exciting or stabilizing. Down the road, they may become infuriating or boring.

I once dated someone who stated he was looking for someone that would help him make good choices.

That was what he was looking for in the moment: security and financial assistance. I knew instinctively he would not like the decisions I would help him make, like take a second job, cancel cable, and sell his toys. In the moment, my pragmatic approach to money management was attractive, but as I doled out an allowance – if we stayed together – it wouldn’t be.

Too often, we get caught up in the romance of the moment, the hormone high, and don’t look down the road. We downplay how traits will work out over a lifetime. I see people who marry knowing the profession their beloved is in, only to complain down the road at the effect it has on their relationship. If you marry a soldier, don’t be surprised when they are deployed and you are left alone with the babies.

If you marry thinking love will change a person or smooth out the edges, you shouldn’t be walking down that aisle. Commitment over a lifetime takes a lot of hard work and if you are going into it handicapped by traits you hope will disappear, it will be even harder.

Interestingly, I hear people speak of wanting their partner to change for the sake of the relationship, but rarely hear anyone say they themselves need to change. You can be sure if you are hoping for change, so is the other person. It would be nice if we could place an online order for the perfect mate, but since we can’t, we need to accept flaws and find the best match we can.

Things get better only if a person acknowledges them and wants to change. You can love someone to the moon and back and still they persist in staying where they are. Families of addicts will send them to rehab several times, yet they continue down that path until they make the change because that is something they want for themselves or they die.

If you haven’t had a discussion with your partner exposing your flaws and mistakes, you aren’t ready to make a commitment. Being this exposed is, without a doubt, a very vulnerable place to be, but a necessary step. You need to peek into each others baggage, so years from now, you don’t open a closet and see a skeleton.

Television court shows are filled with people who buy a used car, then want to return it and get their money back when it has problems. People, like used cars, are ‘as is’. You need to do your research on both. With a car, look under the hood, take a test drive, consult a mechanic, don’t just fall in love with its shiny exterior. With a person, it is not as easy...that is why it is important to question, question, question.

Divorced people can tell you about the red flags they saw early on. The behaviours they thought were cute when they were dating, but were annoying later on. Red flags are supposed to signal danger for us. Why is it we pay attention to them when driving but not when we sign a life-long contract?

If they walk away because of a flaw you possess, they were not the right person for you and you have saved yourself years of fights before it ended anyway.