Could You Be With Someone Who Identifies as Asexual?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

Everyone enters into a relationship – whether it be romantic, platonic, or otherwise – seeking to fill a need. When you apply for a job, you’re filling a need. When you make a friend, you’re filling a different need. And, most pertinent to this blog, when you seek out a romantic partner, you’re looking to fill, likely, many needs.

Sometimes this need is companionship, someone with which you can spend time to ease the sense of loneliness in one’s life. Sometimes, the need relates to one’s ticking biological clock. And, oftentimes, this need is largely physical...namely, sex.

We’re taught that this is normal, a need we’re hardwired to try to satisfy. Especially in the beginning of the relationship when everything is new and hormone-fuelled.

But a growing number of people – especially millenials and subsequent generations – identify with the umbrella term: Asexual. Simply put, it means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. (This is juxtaposed with someone who is aromantic, meaning they don’t experience romantic attraction. And yes, it is possible to be both.)

There are different labels that fall under the Asexual category, including, but not limited to: demisexual (someone who only experiences sexual attraction after a deep emotional connection has been formed) and grey ace (someone who very rarely experiences sexual attraction). It’s important not to confuse the term with celibacy which is when someone makes a conscious choice to abstain from sex, but may still experience sexual desires.

Just to be clear, just because someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction, doesn’t mean that they can’t – or won’t – have sex. Sexual action is different than sexual attraction and one doesn’t necessarily require the other. There are any number of reasons someone who identifies as ace may choose to have sex, such as to satisfy their partner or procreation.

On the other hand, an asexual person may identify with the term ‘sex repulsed’, in which case they’re unlikely to ever have sex, though they may still masturbate, depending on their personal attitudes and needs.

A 2016 survey querying people aged eighteen to thirty found that sixty-three percent identified with the label of female, eleven percent with the label of male, and twenty-six percent with neither identity. According to the Canadian psychologist Anthony Bogaert, “...women will be more likely than men to be asexual because they are, on average, less likely to have had conditioning experiences relevant to sexual orientation development.”

Loosely interpreted, Bogaert is saying that during prepubescence and puberty, those people who identify as men often experience both positive and negative reinforcement pertaining to their sexual identity. They may be rewarded when they show affection – or even outright sexual attraction – to the opposite gender and punished for the opposite.

We can suppose, based on this information, that in a relationship between a man who experiences sexual attraction and a woman who identifies as asexual, the male partner would be more likely to have a difficult time adjusting to the potential lack of physical intimacy than a female partner would if the situation were reversed.

If your partner identifies as asexual, there are a number of questions you should ask yourself:

1. How important is regular sex to me?

2. If I could never have sex with my partner, would I feel in some way short-changed?

3. Could my sexual needs be satisfied by masturbation alone? Is non-sexual intimacy enough?

i. Non-sexual intimacy can take on many forms – for more information, see the following worksheet.

ii. Non-sexual physical intimacy can include: holding hands, cuddling, kissing, hugging, massages, and more.

4. Would I feel the need to cheat if sex were not an option with my primary partner?

5. If my partner were only participating in sex to satisfy my needs, would I feel in some way guilty or as if I were pressuring them into sex?

Obviously, these are just a few of the questions to be asked and discussed with your partner.

As a final note, here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you’re suddenly wondering if you might be asexual:

1. How do I define sexual attraction? What does the concept mean to me?

2. Do I experience sexual attraction?

3. How do I feel about the concept of sex?

4. Do I feel the need to be interested in sex because it’s what’s expected of me?

5. Is sex important to me?

6. Do I see attractive people and feel the desire to have sex with them?

7. How do I enjoy showing affection? Does sex factor in?