Do You Place More Importance on Time or Money?

“The biggest difference between money and time is that you always know how much money you have, but you never know how much time you have.” Unknown

My high school teacher, Mr. Thompson, asked this question of every graduating class he taught. All the kids in my class he queried before me answered money, giving a variety of reasons. I answered time. I reasoned that this was the end of our childhood. The last time I would see a lot of these classmates. We were expected to go off to university or get a job and begin to wear the cloak of adulthood. The teacher stated that I was a rarity. People always answered money.

It turns out this has been proven. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and UCLA found that a majority of people studied, sixty-four percent, in fact, rated money as more valuable than time. Money is a funny thing: we all want it, we all need it, and we spend most of our good years chasing it. For some, it is a god that they would step over their own mother to get. For others, it is just a necessary evil.

Perhaps it is the way television and the media glamorize wealth and fill our heads full of wants. Maybe it is that money is tangible and time isn’t. At times it flies and others drags on. When you are young, it feels like you have all the time in the world. You do until you don’t. Watch a person going through a midlife crisis and you see the panic... ‘Why didn’t I do these things when I had the chance?’

In your relationship, there are going to be many big and small ways in which you choose time versus money. Job opportunities that mean travel. Spending money on things you don’t need, but want. As a couple, you are going to have to find a balance between obtaining money to survive and carving out time to keep your love for each other alive.

If you are both on the same page in what you value most, you may very well have harmony in this regard. If you are someone who values time, living with someone who values money and status, you may find yourself alone as they work long hours to get ahead.

It is easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of going to work, coming home tired, grumbling through making supper, and then doing it all again the next day. We get behind at work and put in overtime. Meanwhile, we are not nurturing the bonds with those we love. If you make the choice of money over time, it will impact all your relationships.

Sometimes it is when a crisis rocks our world that we reevaluate this question. Ask the parent who has lost a young child and they will tell you they would give up every last cent to spend one more day with them. We often do not know the value of what we have until we have lost it.

Men define themselves by their career, so it is not necessarily that they value money more, but it seems to boil down to the same thing. They focus on climbing the corporate ladder, even if that means relationships come secondary.

I know a man that spent his life working hard, focused on career over family. He even stated he knew he was not much of a father and a grandfather but didn’t care. Guess what? He’s old now and laments that these same children and grandchildren do not visit him. In the moment his work was his world, but remember at some point, we retire...

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." Bryan Dyson

We seem to forget that time is finite. We only have so many years in this life. Once spent you can never get them back. On your deathbed will you regret that you did not spend more time at the office? Probably not. The above mentioned researchers found those that valued time led happier lives.

Make each minute count.

Does Your Relationship Have the Nine Traits of Fellowship?

“Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real fellowship.” Rick Warren

At a difficult time in my life, I read The Purpose Driven Life, seeking solace. One part of the book struck me as being not just how we should approach our fellow man, but traits needed in any healthy, happy, and supportive marriage. Warren states the nine traits are: Authenticity, Mutuality, Sympathy, Mercy, Honesty, Humility, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Frequency. I have taken much of the information in this post from his book The Purpose Driven Life.

• Authenticity: “We share our true feelings.”

  • When we marry, we should know who our partner is – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We should have looked at them without rose-coloured glasses to get an idea if they are a good match for us. So too, we should have been completely open with our partner about who we are. Too often, partners run into trouble when they stop being honest about what they think and feel, so they have no chance of working to resolve issues.

• Mutuality: “We encourage each other.”

  • The wants, needs, and dreams of our partner should be something we are aware of and support them in achieving. We should want the best for each other and our partnership. Cooperation and collaboration are necessary skills we should bring into our relationships.

• Sympathy: “We support each other.”

  • Our home and family should be a soft and safe place for us to land. When we are hurt, scared, or weary, we need our tribe to help us, heal us, and protect us. More than any other person, we expect this from our spouse. To truly have a deep connection, we need to have empathy to understand what the other feels and needs.

• Mercy: “We forgive each other.”

  • We are going to mess up. This should be included in the saying, ‘there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes’. When we do and we have apologized and made meaningful amends, we should be forgiven. In relationships, when we have to pay over and over for a mistake for which we have sincerely taken steps to overcome, it creates distance.

• Honesty: “We speak the truth in love.”

  • It is hard to have trust in a situation where we don’t have a clear picture of what is occurring. In order to feel safe in our relationship, we need to know our partner is sharing all vital information with us and is not lying, cheating, or blurring the truth. “Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it’s painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways.”

• Humility: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

  • A team functions not by each player thinking of themselves, but in working together as a unit. They have a common goal and make a plan on achieving that for the betterment of all. A good relationship is the same: we have a common purpose and dreams and will give and take to get there. In a relationship, it may mean we don’t always get our way, but do often enough.

• Courtesy: “We respect our differences.”

  • We are often more polite to strangers than our partners. We show more grace and understanding of people we aren’t close to. Treating our partner with not just civility, but the same good manners as our boss or a respected member of the community can go a long way to ensuring a friendship within our marriage.

• Confidentiality: “We do not gossip.”

  • What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. A marriage should be the same way. (This doesn’t include abuse!) There is nothing worse than trying to solve a relationship issue when you have family members and friends taking sides. We need to be honest and open in our relationship. That can leave you feeling vulnerable, but you should have the knowledge that anything we say or do will stay between you and your partner.

• Frequency: “Relationships take time.”

  • People drift apart when they don’t make time for each other and for their marriage. Anything that isn’t nurtured eventually dies.

Is There Pressure (Internal or External) to Marry?

“This drive for abstinence is putting a lot of pressure on girls to get married earlier.” Dr. Abeja Apunyo

One of the annoying questions we are faced with when we are young is ‘when are you going to get married?’ If a couple has been dating for a few years, the question ramps up. At family gatherings, a couple must run the gauntlet – sometimes even from the young. I once had a boyfriend’s young brother ask when he could start calling me auntie. It is difficult to be the last person in your family or friend group that is single. To attend all the weddings, see them as they welcome children. It almost feels like everyone questions what is wrong with us if we aren’t married. Sometimes, it feels like all the world conspires to make us feel miserable if we aren’t married.

The decision to make a lifelong commitment to another person is a difficult one. We are trying to get to know who our partner really is, but also to project into the future to who they will be through all the stages and ups and downs of life. Few of us have a crystal ball to make this easy. When one adds on top of this external or internal pressure to marry, it’s easy to be unclear on whether this is a knight in shining armour or an idiot in tinfoil. To know whether we are incompatible and better off apart.

Couples now seem to feel less pressure to make their relationship official with a ceremony, but the older generations still hold onto this as the ideal for their children and grandchildren. Whether there is an official designation on your relationship or not doesn't matter. Many younger couples are as committed as those that are actually married. They buy houses together, have children, and act as a unit. They too may feel pressured to pair up permanently and make choices out of wants and needs and not from a well thought out plan.

Families that are very traditional or those of certain religions put extreme pressure on their members to marry or to wait until marriage to have sex. In these cases, are you asking all the questions or are you just blindly moving towards marriage as an expectation? The news isn’t all bad here. Arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate. These ideals aren’t necessarily bad and may lead to a very good outcome, but what if you are someone who doesn’t buy into your community’s beliefs? Choosing a partner is hard enough without being pressured into it.

The push to marry isn’t just an emotional issue. Unlike men, women have a window in which procreation is possible. Studies show that women are most fertile in their twenties, with a sharp decline after thirty-two. Advancements in technology have made it possible to have a child at forty, though there are greater risks at this age. In addition to the risks, who at this age has the energy to chase a high energy toddler around and who wants to be asked continually if you are the child’s grandmother? Perhaps because of this, most people I ask would prefer to have children when they are younger.

Certainly one is able to have a child as a single woman, but Norman Rockwell paintings, the media, and fairy tales we grew up on maintain that the ideal family is Mom, Dad, and children. Even girls raised by single parents want to do better by their children and give them that ideal life. Historically, the only acceptable situation in which to start a family was as a wedded couple. Girls who got pregnant out of wedlock were married quickly or quietly whisked away to have the child and then put it up for adoption. Ideas have evolved and we now have all manner of family structures. Still there are some that desperately want that ring.

At times, one person in a relationship sees forever after and the other just isn’t sure. In a survey undertaken by RelationshipsinAmerica.com (https://relationshipsinamerica.com/marriage-and-divorce/whos-more-interested-in-marrying-men-or-women) found that this occurred in one out of three

couples, all of whom were dating or living together. This is a painful dynamic. The one who isn’t sure can be placed under a great deal of stress to make up their mind by their partner, family, and friends. Some have even been known to be issued with an ultimatum. Ultimatums, experts agree, are not the way to achieve a healthy relationship. It is okay, though, to state ones wants and needs and have a conversation with your partner about their wants and needs.

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. writes, “When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.”

What Matters to Your Partner?

What is their currency?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life states that "...the best expression of love is time... If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time." The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how he treats what he values.” Also, observe if he shares what he values with you. If he values family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations with our need to let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the 'must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? Does she book spa days when you would like her to join you for family activities? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. "When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back." Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourself. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, not merely something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question our self, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?"

Are You the Ant or the Grasshopper? The Hare or the Tortoise?

Are you the ant or the grasshopper? The hare or the tortoise? How will these archetypes mesh in your relationship?

Aesop’s fables were stories designed to teach morals to young children. The ant is portrayed as hard working and storing away supplies so he could get through a cold winter. The grasshopper who has spent the summer playing, comes to the ant wondering how he will survive now that winter has set in and he has done nothing to prepare. In its Grimm’s original version we can only assume the grasshopper comes to a poor end. In brighter, newer additions, the ant shows charity.

These are people who personify these fairy tale characters. The grasshopper is the person for whom money burns a hole in their pocket, who does not plan for tomorrow as they are just having too much fun living in the moment. These people, if they do not mend their ways, end up at retirement wondering why no one told them this day would come as they find themselves on the street.

The ant in contrast is careful with their money. People would describe them as hard workers, driven, prepared. They will save up money to buy a car rather then get a loan. They save for retirement and probably have a purse or car filled with items in case of an emergency. These characteristics exist on a continuum with some people falling somewhere in the middle, but more likely, people fall somewhat on one side or the other.

The characters displayed in this fable go beyond a discussion of finances. These characters could be seen in a couple where one works nine to five, getting a regular pay cheque and that makes them feel secure. The other may freelance as an artist, barely able to pay the bills, but loving what they do.

You may even see this in parenting style: one parent who makes sure the children have their homework done, a nutritious lunch, and get to bed at a regular hour. The other gets on the floor and wrestles with the kids, lets them stay up to watch a movie, and lets the children binge on chips and cookies.

Dating a grasshopper may be fun for an ant – a wild adventure. But you always need to ask: what will life look like down the road? It may not look so fun when the grasshopper spends his pay cheque on a new sound system for his car and the water bill goes unpaid. When the responsibility weighs heavily on your ant shoulders because the grasshopper has said she’ll get to it after she is done with her video game, but she never is. Will it feel like you are a single parent when your partner is always spending weekends playing sports? A grasshopper may be drawn to an ant as someone who has their life together, but down the road find them boring and uninspiring. The ant may not look so cool when she takes your pay cheque and puts you on an allowance.

I dated a grasshopper that I came to realize had only reentered the dating scene because he needed money. He could not afford his rent and was having to consider selling some of the toys he had purchased. Clearly, grasshoppers are not planners. My theory based on the grasshoppers I know is that grasshoppers look outside themselves for a solution, as did the grasshopper in the fable. The grasshopper I dated could have moved to a smaller place or taken a second job on the weekends. He did not want a second job because, in true grasshopper fashion, he liked to play on the weekends.

A relationship between an ant and a grasshopper could work as long as they were aware of their differing styles. It may mean having separate bank accounts and you would certainly not want to leave the grasshopper solely in charge of paying the bills. Letting the grasshopper, though, be in charge of the vacation would pull the ant out of their routine and probably be a lot of fun.

The hare and the tortoise is a very well known and often referenced fable with its ‘slow but steady wins the race’ moral. In life, there are those that move through it at high speed. In a rush to complete tasks and get to where they are going fast. Then there are those who set out a plan, make lists, and then take action methodically.

The hare may get things done quickly, sometimes without the careful checking that may mean errors are made. The e-transfer is in the wrong amount, leaving the baking powder out of the cake, the pile of speeding tickets they amass. Mistakes they may consider just the cost of getting things done, the ends justifying the means.

The turtle may check that the stove is off and all the lights are off (twice) and may be perpetually late as they are so cautious. Then, too, there are people that are turtles that just do things slowly and no prompts to speed things up will hasten their progress. Turtle behaviour can also mean that nothing ever happens as they are perpetually in planning mode, researching and measuring until they are afraid to decide, and nothing ends up happening.

It is clear that a couple with these traits will butt heads, each will feel uncomfortable at the other’s speed. Compromise will have to be the theme of a marriage between the hare and the turtle. The turtle will have two days to research printers, give their top three picks to the hare, and let them decide. The hare will not be in charge of baking the cake for a special event, but will shop for the food. Within any partnership we should play to out strengths and that can can ensure we cross the finishing line together.

Are You Looking to Fix Your Partner?

“Who someone could be still doesn’t change who they are. Never fall in love with someone’s potential because you could be falling in love with a person they’ll never be. Don’t let your hope make you blind to reality.” @trentshelton

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say if only my partner would... everything would be perfect, I’d be a rich woman. Far too often we enter marriage thinking it will fix the other person or make any issues we have disappear. It feels, when we are under the spell of love hormones, that love is all we need. It can be easy to believe that ours is a love deeper than any ever experienced by anyone else, so no problem will ever be too big to overcome. Down the road, every problem, every annoyance is still there and now we are living together and joined in a legal contract. Is it any surprise the average marriage lasts roughly eight years?

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone says of their partner, ‘they have so much potential’. That says, I don’t love and accept them for who they are, but who I can mould them into. The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program states, “One sign of relationship problems, now or in the future, is when you focus on your partner as the source of the problems”. We want other people to do the changing, to meet us where we are. It is far easier and less painful to have others change than to examine ourselves, discover our flaws, and do what needs to be done to change ourselves. It is far easier to see where someone else is wrong.

A bigger question is: does your partner see they need to be fixed or do they even want to be fixed. Likely, if they wanted to be fixed, they would have done so already. Real change comes from within. A permanent fix is less likely if it comes from an external source. I saw a news article about a young man that had died from an overdose after having been in rehab, not once but twice. If we don’t have the motivation internally, when we find ourselves under pressure or facing things that are triggers, we slip back into old patterns if our motivations are less than a genuine sense of wanting to be better.

Do you feel your partner needs a whole lot of work? If this is who you have chosen, is it actually that you are settling? The desire for love is powerful and in the search for it, we sometimes lower our standards to find it. It makes it easier to see past the red flags, including the fact our partner is a complete tear down. This plays into the question of why you want to be in a relationship. If it’s for reasons of need rather than want, we are like a starving man, subject to taking whomever we can get our hands on. Is this really what you want for yourself?

One thing you may not want to explore is whether the issue you want fixed even rests with your partner. It might actually be you. Dr George Simon had a couple come to see him because the husband saw the need for professional help to fix his wife who was ‘difficult’. Simon, during the counselling sessions, determined the person that needed the most change was in fact the husband. The husband couldn't see it, not until after a divorce and several failed relationships.

We have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. Our partner’s flaws are as visible as Christmas lights on a dark night to us. When it comes to our own: What flaws? Do I have flaws??? You have them as well and likely your partner is very aware of them. They too may be hoping you’ll change. The thing to remember is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We should focus not on hoping and nagging our partner to get them to be who we want, but on why these things bother us. What can we do to make this area of our partnership better? Are these issues deal breakers? We should not hope to make someone over, we need to take them as they are, warts and all, or be ready to move on.

Do You Both Have the Ability (and Income) to Live Independently?

“Hope for the best, plan for the worst.” Lee Child

Evolutionary study suggests that couples came together to ensure that their children survive to pass on their genes. While, once this was necessary, society has put in place safeguards, so now the community helps in this regard. Marriage has come to mean something else.

We now marry for happy ever after. And a lot of bad reasons. We just have no idea what comes after the fairy tale wedding. Too often, the wedding alone is the goal. Television shows abound about the wedding. There is no reality show called, “Who does the dishes?” that follows newly married couples struggling to split up housework. We have been fed too many romantic notions about love and marriage and lack a clear picture of what love is like over a lifetime.

People come out of divorce finding that they lack certain skills or financial means. The sad truth is: too many women and children live in poverty after divorce. I know no one reading thinks that this will happen to them – I know from personal experience, that person was me. Right up to the end. You may not change, but your partner may. And where does that leave you?

While you have a fifty percent chance of your marriage ending, you have an even higher chance that something bad will happen. When will a job loss, critical illness, or accident befall your household? If you reach your deathbed without such a hardship, you need to consider yourself very blessed. Within the span of a year, three women in my neighbourhood suffered the death of their husbands. Not unusual if these were seniors, but these were women in their thirties and forties. We never know when a crisis will hit, so we should have the skills necessary to run our life independently.

Partnerships work best when we are whole people. When we have the skills to take care of ourselves. Marriage is hard, even though you may love each other completely. People change, love changes, and life throws a lot at us. Having an ability to adapt and a wide skill set is hugely beneficial in helping you navigate the twist and turns life can have.

A neighbour suffered through a period when her husband was hospitalized. She confessed she had never spent a night away from him since they became a couple, some fifteen years earlier. She could not sleep without him there.

A marriage should be a coming together of complete people, not people who need completing. After a divorce, men tell me they did not know how to put a ponytail in their daughters’ hair or sew on a button. Women tell me they did not know what a furnace filter was or where the shut-off valve was for the house water supply. When couples come together for a need – financial, lacking skills, emotional help, etc. – we have a scenario where there could be imbalance in the relationship.

Just because you can do everything, doesn’t mean you have to or necessarily should. My view of a relationship is that we, as a team, work with our strengths. My daughters played soccer and, standing on the sidelines, it is clear that to win, the team needs to put players where they excel. My daughter would not have been efficient in the goal, but she sure was great at defence. I have rebuilt a transmission, but I would rather bake a birthday cake.

When I was married, one of the bathrooms needed a small repair. Once the materials were purchased, I asked my spouse when it would get done. ‘Whenever you do it,’ he replied, because I needed to be able to do these things for myself. I did, it took probably twice as long as it would for someone skilled in these sort of things, but it was a good job. That same afternoon, he asked me to do a mending job on a piece of his clothing, failing to see the irony in the situation.

If you see yourself in this missive, there is an easy fix, even if you feel you will never divorce. Ask your spouse to show you how to do the things you do not know. A last and really important reason to be as complete a person as possible within a coupling: it makes for a stronger relationship.