Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick
If you’ve been on a dating site and/or app in the recent past, you’ve probably encountered the acronym: ENM – also known as Ethical Non-Monogamy. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it’s a more politically correct way of saying the relationship is ‘open’.
In an ENM relationship, both partners agree that one or both parties are free to see other people while remaining within the main partnership. The key here is that it’s something both partners have actively discussed and are in agreement over, otherwise it’s missing the ethical component.
It’s my belief that this is a conversation that should happen early in the relationship and should be reevaluated every so often, in order to be on the same page about the relationship’s status. There are natural points in a relationship where there should be a reassessment of everyone’s needs and feelings – for example, if/when marriage is on the table and if/when children are on the table.
These are some (but certainly not all) of the questions I suggest discussing:
1. Have you had an ENM relationship in the past?
If so, what did and did not work? You may have tried it and really enjoyed the experience or you have have had the opposite experience and found it not for you.
If not, why not? For example, some people may not have grown up in a time and/or culture where ENM was prevalent.
2. What is your definition of cheating?
Cheating can and does sometimes occur in ENM relationships, just as it does in monogamous relationships. It’s important before you start dating outside the main partnership that you’ve both agreed on what cheating looks like for you.
This could include emotional affairs, as well as physical ones.
3. How many partners is acceptable?
Maybe you’re just looking to date one additional person or maybe you plan on having multiple partners outside the main partnership. It’s important that you know what your partner is thinking, as well as what you can handle while still making the main partnership a priority.
One of the common pitfalls in ENM is that someone can easily spread themselves too thin and not be able to give everyone they’re dating enough time and attention.
4. What terms do you anticipate using for the people you’re dating?
Some of the common language includes paramour and metamour – before you start dating multiple people, you should brush up on the common lingo.
Do you want to call your secondary partners girlfriend/boyfriend? Partners? Or do those terms denote a certain level of intimacy that should be devoted solely to your main partner?
5. Is sex on the table in relationships outside the primary one?
This is a conversation that goes hand-in-hand with the cheating conversation. You may be looking for a purely sexual encounter in your secondary partnerships (i.e. a more friends with benefits type of relationship) or you may be looking for an emotional connection. Possibly both.
It’s important to think about what you’re comfortable with your partner doing as well – if you’re the jealous type, are you going to be upset if your partner has sexual chemistry with their other partners?
6. Will your primary partner meet and/or interact with your other partners?
This may be something you don’t truly decide until you have a secondary partner and know whether they’d be a good fit to get along with your primary partner. But it’s worth discussing ahead of time whether you’d prefer to keep things separate or whether it’s important that everyone get along.
7. How will you allocate your time between your partners?
This is a big one – many ENM relationships fail because people don’t feel like they’re being made a priority. Once you add up the time you must devote to work, self care, chores, and the like, there’s limited time available to spend on multiple partners. Are you going to divide it equally between them? Does your main partner get 50% and then the rest is divided between others?
8. How much transparency is expected, wanted, and needed?
What will you share with your partners? Sometimes less is more, in terms of what you both want to know about the other’s relationships. Sometimes, full transparency is necessary to make ENM work.
Should you tell each other details of your sex life? Sometimes, it’s important to share because your partner may want or need to get tested for STIs.
What’s the expectation of privacy? This is something you should bring up not only with your main partner, but with each additional partner as well so everyone is on the same page.
9. Have you thought about the stigma?
ENM is more accepted now than it has been in the past, but there is still a stigma attached to it. Have you thought about whether you’re ready to face that? Will you be able to talk about it with your friends and family? Is that something that’s important to you? What about in the healthcare setting? When talking about sexual health with your doctors, will you feel safe in discussing having multiple partners?
10. What happens if one partner wants to close the relationship again?
ENM isn’t for everyone. After testing it out for awhile, one partner may decide it isn’t for them and want to close the relationship. But what if the other person doesn’t? Decide ahead of time what the procedure is if someone wants to pull the ripcord.
There are many moving parts in an ENM relationships and it’s important that you’ve put a lot of thought into the matter before moving ahead with this style of relationship because there are many peoples’ feelings to take into account and once you’ve started down this road, it may be difficult to close the relationship back up.
No comments:
Post a Comment