Do They Understand Weakness?

“Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes, not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate, but it makes the world a better place.” Daniel H. Pink

We are not all made the same, nor do we all have the same advantages. Genetics and upbringing determine how we turn out. Some of us are big, strong, and have good health, but some get the short end of the genetic lottery. They suffer ill health or have a frail constitution. Some struggle mentally, with anxiety, low energy, or poor self-esteem.

Just as there is a continuum of a constitution, from strong to frail, so too is the ability to be empathetic. Empathy requires us to put ourselves in the shoes of another. To try to understand where they are coming from. Not everyone is good at this. They can’t begin to understand why someone doesn’t just pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with it. We are going to run into people that aren’t accepting of anything they see as weakness. This can make them seem strong, powerful, and may be a good quality in a leader that is leading troops into war against a terrible enemy. Is this what you want in a partner, though?

If your partner is blessed with a strong constitution and has never had periods of fragility, they may not completely understand what it is like for those that do. You too may have a sound body and mind and feel this is not an issue, but what if things change? We never know what life has in store for us. Women who have been fine all their young life, suffer postpartum depression. Diseases sometimes come out of nowhere and no one can predict what the children we might have will struggle with.

Could your partner be understanding of the struggles of the vulnerable? Would they be able to make day to day allowances for the shortcomings that result? It can be hard to pick up the slack with no end in sight, even for someone you love deeply. It is hard to know what they are going through when you have no frame of reference. Someone who is healthy, both physically and emotionally, can struggle to understand how anxiety or poor health impacts a person.

While a partner that is strong and unaffected by the emotions of others may make us feel safe and protected, down the road it may make us feel misunderstood. If someone lacks the ability to put themselves in your shoes, it’s hard for them to have empathy for what you are going through. There are going to be lots of trials in a relationship where we require our partner to understand what we need in the moment. It may be just in small ways, such as when you have dealt with a difficult person at work and you just want to come home, put on sweats and go for a run. You want your partner to understand that this may not be the best day to ask you to help repaint the kitchen. There will be bigger struggles too, when a parent passes away or we are diagnosed with cancer. Will your partner help or hinder your ability to cope?

Ask yourself these questions:

Is your partner highly critical or judgmental of others?

Do they struggle to see others points of view?

Do they feel victims are to blame?

Do they think others are just too sensitive?

Do they feel that being emotional is being out of control?

Are they indifferent to the struggles another is experiencing?

Does someone that is crying make them uncomfortable or angry?

When I (or someone else) has needed them were they a source of comfort?

Do they see people that are struggling as weak overall?

While both women and men can struggle in this regard, men seem to be less understanding of an inability to rub some dirt on it and society is likely to blame. Though times are changing, boys are socialized to be tough, are given less comfort when hurt, and rewarded for strength and toughness. A boy that cries on the playground is likely labelled a crybaby or pussy. While women see being empathetic as a noble trait, men see it as a shortcoming.

Does Your Partner Give a Lot of Criticism and Judgment?

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” Gary Chapman

I watched Kanye West tell Kim Kardashian how to dress in the early part of their relationship. I was surprised as I always thought Kim a confident young lady, well groomed, and an inspiration to many. I didn’t think his need to make her over bode well for them as a couple. Turns out, I was right.

What we want in a partner is someone that builds us up. We want someone who helps us to be the best version of ourselves. Part of that may be feedback. Where you say to your partner, ‘your resume has grammar errors, can we please fix it before you send it out?’. Things said out of love with hopes this advice will help them get ahead. It should be noted that these are suggestions and should our partner not wish to change, we need to respect their life choice.

Let’s be clear, feedback is different from criticism. Things can always be said in a way that makes our partner want to listen. Feedback is constructive and builds us up and is given with the feelings of the recipient in mind, while criticism is blaming, can include character assassination, and leaves the recipient feeling defensive. Criticism tears us down. Feedback would be, “Your resume needs to be tweaked.”, while criticism says, “Your resume makes you look like a loser, only an idiot would hire you.”

We shouldn’t expect to be in an honest and open relationship and never receive feedback. It’s normal for a couple to frequently have complaints about each other. A marriage is a coming together with an eye towards living the good life together, not two perfect people. The way to help each other be a better person and fulfill hopes and dreams is by providing suggestions and thoughtful corrections. It isn’t so much if feedback exists at all in a relationship that spells trouble, rather the manner in which we communicate our thoughts for improvement.

Criticism is particularly damaging when it is directed not at a behaviour, but against the very essence of a person. “You are unlovable.” Dr. Joshua Klapow states that, “A partner who criticizes frequently is a partner who does not know how to communicate, may not care enough about your feelings, and may fail to consider that the relationship must work between the two of you.”

It is harmful when:

When criticism is global, i.e. ‘you never do anything right’.

It doesn’t deal with specific issues.

When it doesn’t offer helpful insight or solutions.

When there isn’t the possibility for correction.

When it labels the other person, not the issue, as bad or wrong.

When the other person’s way is the seen as the only right way.

When it’s given just to wound the other person.

When they try to change their partner into who they want them to be.

When it happens frequently.

Criticism, I believe, is different from judgment. Criticism tends to put the criticizer and the criticized on a similar plain. Judgment, puts the person doling out the judgment on a higher plain. Judgment says, I am better and I know better. People can judge without criticism.

It is an interesting fact that some people have no problem doling out criticism or judgment, but are overly sensitive when it is directed at them. Even thoughtfully given feedback is not well received. While I doubt any of us relish correction, over-sensitivity is often seen in sociopaths.

John Gottman, Ph.D., through his research is able to predict divorce with more than a ninety percent accuracy. He calls criticism one of the ‘Four Horsemen’ that spell trouble for a relationship. The one that is often the first to appear is criticism. Not only is it damaging, it can pave the way for the others to come galloping in behind. Criticism isn’t an effective form of communication. It creates distance and contempt between people. Dr. Klapow says, “We all criticize occasionally – it is human. However, there is no room in a healthy relationship for regular criticism.”