Is One of You Recently Out of a Relationship?

If you carry the bricks from your past relationships to the new one you will build the same house.” Unknown

It is rare for someone to end up marrying their first ‘love’. We usually have a string of broken hearts by the time we meet the one. Being with a variety of people in our youth helps us to learn lessons about who we are, what we need, and what is healthy and appropriate in a relationship...but only if we are self-aware and brave enough to learn them.

Some not-so-great advice to get over someone is to get under someone else. With social media broadcasting everything we do, it is hard to sit at home, alone, reading self-help books and attending therapy while the ex is on a beach with the new hottie. Sometimes after a breakup, we feel like we have to win. Getting in a new relationship quickly will not actually help you get over heartbreak or give you closure, but it might feel good. Fear of loneliness or aloneness is a powerful thing...but, so is the pain of a break up.

Every relationship should teach us something. They say our failures are our best teachers, if we are only willing to learn. It is hard to own our mistakes; it is human nature to want to ignore or hide them. It is particularly hard when our heart has been broken and we are fighting over money and property. All we want to believe is that the ex is an a**hole. That is why time and distance is important if we want a new relationship to work. To not repeat history and have a better life, understanding is required.

If someone has been in a serious long-term relationship and not taken any time to process before moving to a new person, have they learned what they need to learn? So, what does someone hope for in a partner following them leaving their previous relationship? Someone who has taken some time to be alone. Someone who has done some work. Someone who knows how and why things went off the rails. Most importantly they know what mistakes they made and how they contributed to problems and have owned these missteps.

Some people refer to relationships that occur right after a breakup as rebound relationships, but Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti term them ‘growing relationships’. Both essentially mean the same thing: a relationship we form to help us process or become the person we need to be to have a lasting relationship. Most people’s minds will go to a romantic relationship, when you picture this growing relationship.

However, not all growing relationships are created equal. If you jump into a romantic relationship to shortcut the pain or escape being alone, it is unlikely to be long lasting and healthy. Estimates vary widely as to the likely length of these relationships, but generally range anywhere from three months to a year. And, when it ends, is there another broken heart? Will you have learned important lessons about yourself and relationships? Fisher and Alberti suggest a pitfall of a romantic growing relationship is that too much time and energy is invested in the relationship and you neglect working on your own growth and healing. They also suggest that a romantic growing relationship may actually set the people back a few steps when it ends.

Following my divorce, I joined a support group that met weekly over the course of several months. This was based on a program developed specifically for divorce recovery. These were fast-formed friendships that were intense and emotional and helped us process and heal. They burned bright for about a year and, as we healed, cooled. These were healthy growing relationships. A healthy growing relationship could also be with a therapist or friend.

It is women that are more likely to enter types of healthy growing relationships. People that do the dumping – and men – are more likely to jump quickly into a romantic relationship.

I was advised by my counsellors after my divorce to wait at least a year before thinking of dating. I didn’t listen and went on a coffee date a month later. I realized while I was there that it was way too soon. I found myself sympathizing with the guy’s ex-wife! A quick internet search of how long to wait after a break up ranges from three months to a year. A long marriage, though, might require significantly more. I suppose it depends on how long you were in the relationship and what you do with the time alone.

Are You Over or Under Responsible?

“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this.” Disney's Hercules (1997)

While it is a fairy tale moment to have car trouble and a handsome guy pulls over to assist and you exchange numbers, being able to stand on our own is an important skill in life. No one ever marries expecting to end up on their own, but it happens in over fifty percent of cases, through divorce or death.

Being responsible is something we should all be as adults, able to care for ourselves, but also to be dependable, accountable, and trustworthy. Within a couple, we should each be responsible for ourselves, but also be a member of the team. Sometimes, though, as a survival strategy, people develop an over or under responsible way of interaction. There may be times when we need to take on this role temporarily - for example, when we have broken a bone. This is natural, but being in this state perpetually is not healthy and can lead to problems within the relationship.

There is an old movie stereotype of the helpless woman that I still see in some shows. The damsel in distress that needs a big tough man to rescue her. The man struggles with the robber while the woman stands in the background screaming. I cheer for her to pick up a chair and break it over the bad guy’s head. Gone should be the days of thinking of women as fragile, incapable, or property.

I am not picking on women here; I see many women who are over responsible, perhaps more than men. The equal rights movement is great, but far too many women now feel they have to do it all. We work, come home, cook supper, drive the children to their after school activities, and then come home and do wifely duties.

It is not hard to pick out the person who is over responsible. They are the one that volunteers to be the designated driver or cover for us at work. The one that has a safety pin in her purse. The guy that has the tool you need in his truck. When you are in trouble, they are the person you turn to.

Spotting the under responsible person in the crowd is a little trickier. They won’t be quick to volunteer for an assignment. They are likely to need to borrow a pen or five dollars because they left their wallet at home. If you won’t do what they ask, they are likely to give you a sob story or make you feel guilty.

Look to the home life of your beloved. These tendencies often have their seeds planted in childhood. What role did they have in the family dynamics? Sometimes not a lot is demanded on us growing up and we are spoiled or rather helpless. Sometimes we are not taught skills to enable us to be competent. On the flip side, some have to take on too much. If someone has come from a family where one parent left or died, the children fill the void, especially if they are the eldest.

How will these tendencies, if taken to the extreme, effect the relationship? If someone is not doing everything they need to do for themselves, are they going to be able to take on the extra responsibility that comes with having a family? Will it feel like you have a child instead of a partner? If we are not holding our own in taking care of all that needs to happen in life, we don’t have balance in the relationship.

While it may seem like a great thing to be an over responsible person, it is easy to go too far. Other people in our lives will heap on the responsibility if we let them. At first it may feel nice to be needed, it proves we have value. But at some point we become overwhelmed or burnt out. We may even come to resent this person.

There is a flip side to this. Sometimes the over responsible person has impossibly high standards, maybe even OCD. We do our best to clean the bathroom, but are told it wasn’t done right and they then redo it. We wonder: why bother? Sometimes we can’t even wrestle control from them. Again, why not just sit back and let them have it?

Some times the responsibility is not physical, but emotional. Responsibility in the form of blame is heaped on us by our partner. They leave us to feel their feelings, to say the things we should, to interact with others when they can’t. If we do this to a partner who is over responsible, they will likely shoulder these things with no complaint.

One last thought to ponder: “...the male who needs mothering is often married to an enabler/over-responsible person.” Bruce Fisher & Robert Alberti

Over Versus Under Responsible Worksheet

They might be over-responsible if:

1. Are they the firstborn? Firstborn children tend to be given more responsibility and therefore may be more controlling.

2. Are they a middle child? Middle children are more self-motivated and independent.

3. Have they lived on their own? Having some time to take on all the responsibilities for one’s self can only be a good thing. They have an idea of the cost and effort needed to run a household.

4. Did their opposite sex parent do everything for them? Sometimes we see the mother do everything for the son so they never learn how to cook or do laundry. Sometimes a dad will make sure their daughter never has to mow the lawn or change a tire.

5. Were they part of a family that required all members to pitch in such as a farm family?

6. Do they feel like everything depends on them?

7. Have they found out about a family tragedy at work and finished their shift?

8. Are they OCD regarding cleanliness?

9. Does others’ uncleanliness stress them out so much they start cleaning for them?

10. Are they unable to delegate or settle for a less then a perfect job?

11. Do they have impossibly high standards?

12. Do they do for others what they should do themselves?

13. Do they know the schedule of everyone in their life including those that don’t live in their house?

14. Do they feel like if they don’t keep on top of the situation nothing will get done?

They might be under-responsible if:

15. Did they grow up in a home where they never had to work for things or learn the value of them? Were they always given everything and never had to work for it?

16. Was there an adult male in the home? A man who is raised without a male influence may have all their emotional needs met by the females in the home and expect this of a partner.

17. Are they the youngest? Younger children usually shoulder less responsibility so are more carefree.

18. Do they always have an excuse why they can’t do things themselves?

19. Are they frequently late?

20. Do they blame others for their mistakes?

21. Do they neglect to take care of themselves or their possessions?

22. Do they frequently change jobs?

23. You feel like you are babysitting when you are with them?

24. Do they procrastinate or need a lot of reminders?

25. Do they always expect others to rescue them?

26. Do they fail to plan ahead?

27. Are they financially irresponsible?

28. Have they always had someone jump in so they have not had to experience the consequences of their actions?

29. Do they have a history of losing things? Forgetting deadlines? Missing appointments?

Could go either way:

30. Was she the only girl in the family? While this may have taught her manly skills, it also could be she was treated as fragile.

31. Was he the only boy? Sometimes this can mean he has had to take on the man of the family role, especially if the parents were divorced. If he was the only boy and the youngest, he could have been over-mothered and be less responsible.

32. Did they grow up in a very traditional family where gender roles were strictly enforced?

33. Did their parents divorce? This may have resulted in them having to take on more responsibility which might mean they are over responsible, but they may now be looking for someone to take on the role since they already paid their dues.

What Do Your Family and Friends Think of Your Partner?

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” Fran Lebowitz

Romeo and Juliet’s parents didn’t approve of their children’s romantic choice and we know how well that turned out. It may be that our parents will never think our choice is good enough, treat us well enough, or is the type of person we should be with. At the same time, love makes us dumb. Hormones and neurotransmitters are going off like fireworks. These make us feel good, but Dr. Feuerman explains, “Such chemistry overrides our logical, rational thought...”. In fact the more in love you are, the worse you will fare on cognitive tests.

Ask your family and friends what their impressions are of your partner. Ask for them to be brutally honest about things they have noticed. Accept this in the spirit it is intended, not as criticism, but in wanting to protect you. Your family and friends aren’t rendered brain addled by love and will have a better view of your partner without the rose-coloured glasses love places upon us.

Those that really know us only want the best for us, but they may see things we are blind to. When you see this person through another person’s lens, you will have a clearer picture of what life will be like in the long term. Some families will be very vocal about their feelings about our partner, but still others will stay silent and say it is completely our choice.

When we only see the good, our vision may be clouded in regard to what may be lacking in someone’s character. Family and friends may have an untainted view. We also sometimes act differently depending on who is around us. We might get drunk every weekend, but not if there is a staff party. In particular, during the early parts of a relationship, we try to be on our best behaviour. Someone told me that a person I was dating had no personality when I was not around. That is something I would have never observed.

Parents and older family members know what it takes to make a relationship last through good times and bad. Some may know what failure looks like. They know what attributes make for a good partner and what ones make someone challenging to live with. Dating may have been great so far, but a marriage changes over and over again and we have to change along with it. Real life will set in and you want a solid foundation to build the future on.

One thing that should be a clear red flag is if multiple people in different circumstances come up with the same evaluation or point out the same flaw. Parents tend to be overly protective, but if your co-worker also sees things the same way, you need to take a closer look. Are they right?

Sadly, the worst people sometimes come disguised as the perfect partner. Ask anyone who commits to a narcissist how great they seemed when they met. Ask a woman who is abused after the wedding how much in love she was with this great guy. They are hiding who they are and you are drunk on love. That is a dangerous combination. If something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.

Before you discount what your friends have to say, friends know us better than we know ourselves. Studies are finding our friends are able to rate us more accurately than we rate our self on personality tests. “We use self-protective biases to help guard our often-fragile egos and maintain a positive view of ourselves. Our close friends, on the other hand, aren’t as invested in our image, so they can call things as they see them,” says Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. Were you each to ask a friend to take a personality test about you, you would get a clearer picture than had you taken it yourself. What do you think you would learn?

Is it important to you your family and friends approve of your partner? Would you end a relationship if they didn’t? At the end of the day it is your choice.