Do You Have 'Triple A'?

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.” C. S. Lewis

While it may be a good idea to have a membership for roadside assistance, it is just as important – if not more so – to have relationship triple A: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation.

Attention: You probably are with your partner because of the amount of attention they focused on you when you first met. I have been in relationships, perhaps just because of the amount of attention the fellow paid to me. I am not suggesting you be a stalker, but people like attention.

It is easy when you are so wildly in love to pay lots of attention to your partner. It is exactly what this infatuation stage and its requisite hormones are about, bonding you to each other. The trick is that real life sets in after the honeymoon phase and the attention starts to get used for other things: a big project at work, the freezer needs to be defrosted, etc... We start to take our partner for granted as someone who will always be there. No more date nights, no more sweet notes on the bathroom mirror, no more holding their hand everywhere we go.

Attention doesn’t have to take a lot of time. We certainly waste enough time checking our email, social media updates, and watching television. Attention requires really listening. We develop the bad habit of listening to respond or only half paying attention. We focus our attention on what is important to us, so if it isn’t on your partner, it is easy to see why they feel unloved.

Affection: Babies in orphanages that are never hugged, cuddled, or touched stop growing and in extreme cases die. Virginia Satir, a therapist said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Hugs and touch has been shown to reduce stress, protect against illness, and reduce pain. Hugs of at least twenty seconds cause oxytocin to be released which enhances our bond. It is easy to understand, then, why showing our partner affection is important to not only maintain, but deepen our connection.

Women in long-term relationships often complain that every touch leads to sex, so they will avoid so much as hand holding because they aren’t in the mood for where it will lead. They want the affection, the hand holding, a kiss, a back rub, without the expectation they think it will entail. Affection, or non-sexual touch, needs to be a part of every couples’ day to day repertoire.

Appreciation: We all want to know when we’ve done a good job. It not only lets us know that we have done it right, but also makes us more likely to do it again. Like the other two, showing appreciation likely happened a lot while we were first together, but dwindles with time.

A website, hartcoachingacademy.com, states that appreciation is a huge driving factor for men in particular. “Opportunities that yield appreciation are where he will head first.” While I have no really hard information that men have a higher need for appreciation, if anyone, man or woman, is taken for granted they are more likely to find other outlets to fulfill their needs.

The need in relation to the three A’s may play a different role depending on your Love Language. Quality time is certainly going to require more actual time than receiving gifts, but all of the five require you to give thought and time to your partner. Those whose language is Words of Affirmation will need more appreciation than others, but make no mistake, we all need it.

None of these things has to require a lot of time. Let me give you five ideas that require less than a minute: Kissing your partner goodbye in the morning. Texting to say you are thinking about them. Saying they look really good. Telling them you appreciate how hard they work. Really listening when they talk.

Our relationship with our primary partner is likely the most important connection we will have in our adult life and yet we sometimes take it for granted. These should be as much of a daily ritual as brushing your teeth if you want a healthy relationship. If you find yourself in the weeds however, all you need to get back headed in the right direction is a little AAA.