“A stunning first impression was not the same thing as love at first sight. But surely it was an invitation to consider the matter.” Lois McMaster Bujold
Daphne Kingma, ‘The Love Doctor’, speaks of the "Clue of Failure": reported by people after a breakup, it’s something they saw but disregarded that was a warning things would not end well. It is not unusual to ignore red flags when we feel it is to our benefit, but you ignore them in a love relationship to your own peril.
When we are ‘drugged’ up on love hormones, we think our beloved is wonderful in every way. This is known as the ‘halo effect’. We develop an overall positive impression based on as little as one area. For example, the ‘beautiful is good’ stereotype finds that we believe that good looking people are smarter, kinder, and even morally superior. Starting in the 1960’s this was proven in experiments based on nothing more then a picture. Research has shown, though, that the stereotype often does not hold true.
I had a job that required me to do hiring. This is a very difficult task: trying to wade through the bullshit to find a gem. Someone else doing hiring said it best when he said it was like shopping at a second-hand store, trying to find that good designer outfit among items that are ripped or missing a button. You have to spend a lot of time looking and you need to pay attention to details, to the clues this might be a knock-off. Trying to find a life partner is a lot like this. When dating, everyone is on their best behaviour, trying to make a good impression. We do the right things and give the right answers.
Some people I refer to as chameleons. They take their cues from the person they are dating. Any activity or belief their intended has becomes one of the chameleon’s. They throw themselves into the beloved’s family, ingratiating themselves. It is only later, sometimes too late, when you see them for who they really are.
Erving Goffman, a sociologist, uses a theatrical metaphor to explain this: we tailor our performance to our audience. Our first dates are like a Broadway play where we expect to receive rave reviews. We have decided what character we want to play, put on our costume, have set the stage, and we have on our mask. As COVID-19 is revealing to the world, though, it is hard to wear masks for long periods of time. Eventually, we all show our true colours.
When I was going through my divorce, one of the exercises I was given was to write the story of our courtship. It was not something I wanted to do and it was very difficult not to put a nasty spin on the story. In doing the exercise, I certainly was aware of the red flags that I drove by on my way to the altar. Hindsight is twenty/twenty. Take a few minutes to write the story of your relationship. Pay attention to the bad, the ugly, and the uncomfortable feelings you had. If your first impression was negative but this person grew on you, what was it that did not strike the right chord?
We talk about gut feelings, that sense we can not articulate that a situation or person makes us uncomfortable or is not as it appears. It may be that our gut feelings originate in a part of the brain that does not have language. We may disregard this feeling when we can’t back it up with anything concrete. We may also disregard it if we really want this person in our life.
First impressions are strange, in as little as thirty seconds, we have formed an opinion of someone. Once formed, this impression is hard to change. It has been shown to be long-lasting and may endure even when conflicting evidence becomes available.
One last piece of information, if you met in a bar you are twenty-four percent more likely to get divorced. Take that as you will...