Have You Answered Dr. Aron's Thirty-Six Questions?

 “The more you know about the past, the better prepared you are for the future.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Husband and wife psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron, (1997) postulated that the connection between strangers could be accelerated by asking each other personal questions. He came up with thirty-six questions that start off being fairly innocuous, but become more thought provoking, require more in depth answers, and are increasingly personal. Following the test, the subjects were asked to gaze into each others’ eyes in silence for four minutes. Doing this exercise, requiring about forty-five minutes, can lead to closeness and intimacy and, given the right circumstances, falling in love.

The point of the original experiment was not to make people fall in love, but to produce temporary deep emotional closeness. The study states, “Are we producing real closeness? Yes and no. We think that the closeness produced in these studies is experienced as similar in many important ways to felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time.” Though the point was not to produce marriage, two of the original test subjects, who were strangers prior, went on to marry just six months later.

The test did not become widely known until the New York Times printed its Modern Love column (by Mandy Len Catron) after she put the questions to the test on a blind date. She says of the experience, “The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months.”

The bonding that this test creates has made its way into couples therapy with these questions being assigned as a way to allow couples struggling with their marriage to reconnect. The questions with their increasing intensity require us to display our vulnerabilities and highlight our sameness.

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling _______."

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share _______."

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The Arons, of their test, stated, “On the other hand, it seems unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment, or other relationship aspects that might take longer to develop.” While this is a great beginner exercise to get you familiar with one another, I believe the more questions you ask the better. There is a caveat however: this only helps if you are as honest as possible.