Do You Want Your Relationship to Be Monogamous?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

If you’ve been on a dating site and/or app in the recent past, you’ve probably encountered the acronym: ENM – also known as Ethical Non-Monogamy. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it’s a more politically correct way of saying the relationship is ‘open’.

In an ENM relationship, both partners agree that one or both parties are free to see other people while remaining within the main partnership. The key here is that it’s something both partners have actively discussed and are in agreement over, otherwise it’s missing the ethical component.

It’s my belief that this is a conversation that should happen early in the relationship and should be reevaluated every so often, in order to be on the same page about the relationship’s status. There are natural points in a relationship where there should be a reassessment of everyone’s needs and feelings – for example, if/when marriage is on the table and if/when children are on the table.

These are some (but certainly not all) of the questions I suggest discussing:

1. Have you had an ENM relationship in the past?

• If so, what did and did not work? You may have tried it and really enjoyed the experience or you have have had the opposite experience and found it not for you.

• If not, why not? For example, some people may not have grown up in a time and/or culture where ENM was prevalent.

2. What is your definition of cheating?

• Cheating can and does sometimes occur in ENM relationships, just as it does in monogamous relationships. It’s important before you start dating outside the main partnership that you’ve both agreed on what cheating looks like for you.

• This could include emotional affairs, as well as physical ones.

3. How many partners is acceptable?

• Maybe you’re just looking to date one additional person or maybe you plan on having multiple partners outside the main partnership. It’s important that you know what your partner is thinking, as well as what you can handle while still making the main partnership a priority.

• One of the common pitfalls in ENM is that someone can easily spread themselves too thin and not be able to give everyone they’re dating enough time and attention.

4. What terms do you anticipate using for the people you’re dating?

• Some of the common language includes paramour and metamour – before you start dating multiple people, you should brush up on the common lingo.

• Do you want to call your secondary partners girlfriend/boyfriend? Partners? Or do those terms denote a certain level of intimacy that should be devoted solely to your main partner?

5. Is sex on the table in relationships outside the primary one?

• This is a conversation that goes hand-in-hand with the cheating conversation. You may be looking for a purely sexual encounter in your secondary partnerships (i.e. a more friends with benefits type of relationship) or you may be looking for an emotional connection. Possibly both.

• It’s important to think about what you’re comfortable with your partner doing as well – if you’re the jealous type, are you going to be upset if your partner has sexual chemistry with their other partners?

6. Will your primary partner meet and/or interact with your other partners?

• This may be something you don’t truly decide until you have a secondary partner and know whether they’d be a good fit to get along with your primary partner. But it’s worth discussing ahead of time whether you’d prefer to keep things separate or whether it’s important that everyone get along.

7. How will you allocate your time between your partners?

• This is a big one – many ENM relationships fail because people don’t feel like they’re being made a priority. Once you add up the time you must devote to work, self care, chores, and the like, there’s limited time available to spend on multiple partners. Are you going to divide it equally between them? Does your main partner get 50% and then the rest is divided between others?

8. How much transparency is expected, wanted, and needed?

• What will you share with your partners? Sometimes less is more, in terms of what you both want to know about the other’s relationships. Sometimes, full transparency is necessary to make ENM work.

• Should you tell each other details of your sex life? Sometimes, it’s important to share because your partner may want or need to get tested for STIs.

• What’s the expectation of privacy? This is something you should bring up not only with your main partner, but with each additional partner as well so everyone is on the same page.

9. Have you thought about the stigma?

• ENM is more accepted now than it has been in the past, but there is still a stigma attached to it. Have you thought about whether you’re ready to face that? Will you be able to talk about it with your friends and family? Is that something that’s important to you? What about in the healthcare setting? When talking about sexual health with your doctors, will you feel safe in discussing having multiple partners?

10. What happens if one partner wants to close the relationship again?

• ENM isn’t for everyone. After testing it out for awhile, one partner may decide it isn’t for them and want to close the relationship. But what if the other person doesn’t? Decide ahead of time what the procedure is if someone wants to pull the ripcord.

There are many moving parts in an ENM relationships and it’s important that you’ve put a lot of thought into the matter before moving ahead with this style of relationship because there are many peoples’ feelings to take into account and once you’ve started down this road, it may be difficult to close the relationship back up.

Is Respect an Issue?

“I’ve heard a lot of men say that they’d rather be respected and unloved than be loved and disrespected.” Elcrema

The male ego is a funny thing. Watch enough TV court shows and you will eventually see a case where a fight erupts over respect. Judge Judy had a case that went something like this: ‘He said something disrespectful so I followed him home and he hit me with a crowbar’. The worst part was that the victim had his girlfriend and their children with him.

Testosterone makes men do more than lift heavy rocks and spit. It makes them want to prove their superiority and protect what is theirs, even their reputation. I am not saying women don’t want respect, but when they feel disrespected, they are as likely to go to the bathroom and cry as they are to puff out their chests, get angry, and confront others. The drive for respect is so powerful that men will risk a criminal conviction to ensure they have it. In the book, Prison Masculinities, it is noted, “Fights are often about respect, one man feeling that another has disrespected him... An all-out battle over respect can end a life – or many lives.” (Don Sabo & Terry A. Kupers)

If respect is so valuable that they will put themselves in a position of possible harm, what effect will it have on your relationship? Will they interrupt a night of dancing at a club to settle a score with a guy who sneers and says ‘nice shirt’? Will they get a reputation around town as a hot head and get banned from stores and clubs? Will they put you in danger? The girlfriend in the above mentioned case claims she was charged by the aggressor. Do you want that to be you?

Another consideration: if their ego is so fragile, will they cut off or distance you from people in your lives because of it? Some families rib each other in jest; if your partner is the butt of even a joking put-down, will they lose it? Will you stop going to your parents’ because your father doesn’t think your partner is good enough for you?

Within your relationship, will they pick fights when they feel you have not shown them the utmost in respect? I am not speaking of blatant disrespect, that is clearly wrong. I am speaking of joking that he can never seem to pick up his socks or mentioning to your sister that your husband lost his job. Over time, we get comfortable with each other and stop being on our best behaviour. You may not say I love you every day and you may start taking each other for granted. For someone who needs their ego protected or stroked, this will be especially challenging.

I have written before about how men come from a place of shame. I used the example of a wife asking her husband to slow down while driving and the husband becoming angry. He is shamed because he feels he is not being shown respect. If the wife believed he is smart enough and in his ability as a driver, she would not be showing disrespect by questioning his capability in getting them safely to where they are going. It would be exponentially more disrespectful in his eyes if there were other people in the car.

Shaunti Feldhahn, a marriage expert, states, “A man’s highest need is to feel respect, whereas a woman’s highest need is to feel loved.” In a research project done by Feldhahn, eighty percent of men surveyed reported that in any conflict they are likely to feel disrespected. Feldhahn also goes on to say that while showing love is great, “...if we don’t also show that we respect them – and maybe criticize them in public or question their decisions all the time – they’re going to feel disrespected and then they won’t feel loved.” It is even suggested that a man’s need for respect is so great that if he perceives he isn’t being shown his due, he will look elsewhere for it or even leave the relationship.

Some people suggest that wives accept the anger men display as a reaction to feeling disrespected. I am not suggesting we give men (or women) a pass because they get angry for this reason. We should keep it in mind, but men can realize if his wife tells him to buy the bigger jug of milk next time, it is not meant to suggest he is a terrible or stupid person, but rather a way to make life smoother. Unless he likes trips at 9:30PM to 7-11 so the children have milk for cereal. Men should be able to grow and change to accept that not every word spoken is a slight meant to show disrespect.