“I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking wine, tongue kissing, and dancing under the moon.” Rachel Wolchin
It is hard to maintain a connection to someone you rarely connect with. Like that best friend from elementary school that moved away in grade four. You think of them fondly and from time to time have long phone calls. You swap gifts and cards, but honestly, if they stopped communicating it wouldn’t leave that big a hole in your life.
Our intimate partnerships shouldn’t be like this. The reason we committed to each other in the first place is as a result of the amount of time we spent together initially. All the time we spent talking and getting to know each other. It can be easy to slip into a routine and believe that the hard work is over and now you can just exist in proximity to each other.
Meryn G. Callander, in a report titled Why Dads Leave, states, “A couple’s developing empathy and respect for each others’ feelings and needs, and communicating with the intent to love and to learn, rather than protect and defend, is key. Make spacious time to talk—ideally daily—at least weekly.” Partnerships need to be nurtured if we wish to maintain a healthy, long-lasting bond.
Empathy and concern for the other’s feelings is easier for women than men. Women define themselves by relationships, men by careers. A woman is going to fight for her relationship and that is why you may feel they nag or pursue you when you want to walk away from an argument. They may be in fear of the distance they feel happening in a relationship and desperately want to bring you closer together again. I am in no way suggesting that men don’t feel empathy or care about their partners feelings. I am just reporting what studies have shown. No matter your gender, we should strive to make sure our bond remains strong.
I see online and in bookstores, thirty day challenges for everything from weight loss to making the world a better place. It would be nice if whenever we felt distant or a lack of health in our relationship, we undertook a marriage thirty day challenge (though it takes sixty-six days for a new habit to become automatic – so maybe do it twice).
Tell your partner five things you like about them.
Ask your partner to share something you may not know about them.
Hold hands as often as possible today.
Pray for your partner and your relationship.
Do something nice for your partner.
Give each other a massage (alternate nights if time requires it).
Tell your partner a dream you haven’t shared before and ask them to help you fulfill it.
Surprise your partner with notes, phone calls, or texts reflecting your love.
Make sure to hug and/or kiss each other at least twice each day, every day.
Check in with how your partner is doing and really listen.
Try to glean something your partner would really like to have or for you to do and do it (e.g. put away the patio furniture, buy flowers, bake them cookies). It’s okay to ask their friend for hints.
Buy or make your partner a card.
Do something in line with your partners Love Language (if you don’t know what it is, go directly to jail, do not pass go).
Tell your partner something you appreciate that they have done.
Do something without being asked (e.g. if they usually empty the dishwasher do it before they get to it).
Talk up your partner in front of others.
Bring up a fun, special, or memorable moment you had together. Better yet, find a physical reminder (picture, sticker, souvenir) and leave it, with a note, where your partner will see it.
Cook their favourite meal or dessert.
Put on some music and cook dinner together. Use your best dishes and light candles.
You may not be old enough to remember mix tapes, but putting together a playlist of your partner’s favourite music is still a nice gesture.
Write a pro’s list of why you are glad your partner is in your life. Leave it where they’ll find it.
Write or plagiarize a poem of love for your partner.
Don’t forget your manners. Please and thank you always go a long way.
Make them breakfast in bed.
Buy their favourite snacks and let them pick the movie. Cuddle up while you watch it.
Find an unusual reason to celebrate your partner (e.g. Kiss a Ginger day).
Participate in one of their activities you normally don’t.
Write them a love letter.
Recreate your first date or how you met.
Do a relationship challenge or read and discuss a book on marriage.
Meet up at a bar or coffee shop and pretend you are strangers meeting for the first time.
Do a new activity together, such as a cooking class or a kick boxing class.
Spice up your intimacy.
Make sure hugs last at least twenty seconds.
Dance together – it has been shown to strengthen and repair relationships.
Spend four minutes gazing into each others eyes with no talking.
Ask how you can make their day better.
It is hard not to feel loved when someone is focusing their energy and attention on you. The reverse is also true: when you focus your energy and attention on someone, you’re often reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place.
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