Is Either of You Overly Possessive or Jealous?

“Jealousy is not a result of love. It is a result of crossed relationship boundaries.” Julieanne O’Connor

It feels flattering in the beginning of a relationship to be the whole focus of a person, to have them want you all to themselves. It becomes less so over the long haul, when they check your phone, want to know where you are every second, and accuse you of sleeping with the waitress who gave you a free coffee refill. Being monitored and accused of hooking up with someone who is just a coworker, with no amount of reassurance being enough is a painful way to live. The green-eyed monster is firmly rooted in your relationship.

Doing a quick internet search regarding quotes on jealousy, most glorify it as a sign of love. One states that jealousy is very important in a relationship. Another proclaims jealousy as territorial, ‘protecting what is yours’. This glorification is alarming to me. It can make jealousy seem romantic and normal. We do not belong to another, we are not theirs. We can choose to bond long-term, but are free to leave at anytime.

It is okay to want monogamy and to keep your eyes open as to what is going on in this regard. It is even okay to point out when your partner has crossed a line or when other people have crossed a line in regards to your partner. This is healthy. While we all can be jealous occasionally, it can – under some circumstances – even be appropriate. It should be in response to a real threat to the relationship, like when an ex-girlfriend slips her card into your husband’s pocket. Not when a co-worker texts to say they will be late coming into work. We need to agree on what healthy boundaries are, with regard to potential romantic rivals.

When someone sees the illusion of threats coming in all directions, even when your mother calls, that is a problem. It is not okay to see cheating everywhere you look, to hold someone prisoner and not allow them to have friends or even conversations with members of the opposite sex. Too much possessiveness can be a red flag that the relationship could become abusive. If it occurs frequently during early dating, you should consider running in the other direction.

We need to have a clear understanding of what the boundaries are in a relationship. If someone wants us to be with only them and cut off all outside interest, we will end up smothered. Jealousy is not a sign of how much someone loves us; jealousy only speaks to issues within the jealous person.

Children go through a stage known as the ‘mine’ stage: when they want all the toys in the room, even the ones they have not played with in months. When they realize another child wants to play with it, it becomes interesting. It is postulated that if a developmental stage has been short-circuited, these behaviours will play out in adulthood...

Jealousy is a lack of trust and security. It may very well be that this person is insecure and feels that if you discover what a loser they are, you will leave. Maybe they have been cheated on in the past and did not realize it was happening. It could even be that they are, in fact, cheating on you.

Control and power can also be the reason behind possessive behaviours. They believe the only way they can have mastery over their life is to keep a lid on everything and everyone in it. Dr. Phil says of jealous people, “I think they’re tyrannical. I think they’re controlling. I think they’re domineering and I think they’re completely insensitive to the impact their actions on their partners.”

Trying to make a partner jealous is equally wrong. At times, we may feel like our partner is not paying enough attention to us. They may be busy at work or you may suspect someone has caught their eye, so you flirt with the waitress in front of them. This is asking for trouble and is an immature way to try to reestablish connection. They either want to be with you or they don’t. If you have to resort to this, is the bond you’re building strong?

Even if possessiveness does not turn abusive, unreasonable jealousy usually ends up having the very result it is trying to avoid. It is exhausting to walk on eggshells, to be suffocated. Do you want your partner to say, ‘I’m being accused of it, so why not do it?’

At the end of the day, anyone can stop loving us at any time. No matter how much we want them or love them, they are free to change their mind. No matter how painful this may be, we have to let them go. Trying to hold onto them by scaring away every potential rival or limiting your beloved’s movements is not love. It may, in fact, drive them away when they wanted in the beginning to be with you forever.

What Does Your Partner’s Resume Look Like?

“Your hopping from one relationship to another, from one job to another does say nothing about people you are associated with. It conveys that you are a tough nut to please.” Sailajanand

We would all love to make wheelbarrows full of money doing what we really love, on our own terms and our own timeline. If only the world worked like that. The fact is that most people are going to have jobs that do not inspire them at some time in their life, especially when they are first starting out. How you go about dealing with these mundane jobs says a lot about you as a person.

The intent behind a resume is not just to list our work history, but to make us attractive to potential employers. The wise employer knows this and is reading between the lines to determine what the truth is. It can also be a tool for you to evaluate what sort of person you are with.

I always liked to see someone who was at a company more then a couple years. A string of jobs a year or less long makes me question:

Do they get bored easily?

Are they lazy?

Were they unreliable or inflexible?

Did they get fired?

Are they hard to work with?

Are they unable to work through issues?

Are they lacking in loyalty?

Did they give notice and not leave their coworkers short-handed?

Do they blame others for their lack of success at this job?

Do they think the grass is always greener?

Can they never be satisfied?

What does this have to do with relationships? None of these qualities listed above makes for a good life partner. We want someone with ‘stick-to-it-ness’. We want someone who can work with us when there are issues. Long lasting relationships are hard enough without someone who cuts bait and runs when there are problems or life becomes routine. We do not need someone whose head turns every time they see something new and shiny. Wedding vows state in good times and in bad. A poor job history might warn us that bad times will be a challenge for this person. Or that we may have a lot of bad times.

Some reasons to change jobs are appropriate. Was the job hopping because they were bettering themselves? Were they taking night classes that enabled them to get something better? Did they move to jobs that had better pay or a promotion? These are better reasons to change positions, but are they going to move on to someone better than you when they feel they are better or are making more money?

I am not suggesting that someone who job hops can’t be a loving and consistent partner, but I believe looking at the reasons behind a lot of job change can give us a window into how our partner thinks. To find out how their mind works ask these questions:

Would you hire you if you were the boss?

Would you put in overtime if there was a crisis at work?

Would you rather work at a high paying job you hate or a lower paying job you love going to?

Would you stay at a job that had no chance of promotion if you loved it?

Would you take a better paying job if it meant being away from home more?

Would you take a job that meant moving to another country?

In a choice between a family event and work, which would win?

Do you want a career or a job?

Although you may think that your employment has no bearing on your relationship, most of us spend half our waking hours five days a week at our job. How we feel about our employment and what goes on in our day is going to influence our mood. If we hate what we do or are under extreme work stress, it may be difficult to not bring this home with us.

No job comes without it’s challenges, both personally and in the effect it will have on a relationship. Whether it is long hours, hard physically, or being around the opposite sex, you should be aware of the challenges the way in which you bring money into the relationship will have on it. Some jobs are even linked to higher divorce rates.

One thing to note is that if the male in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t maintain full-time employment, there is a greater probability the marriage will end in divorce, according to a 2016 Harvard study.