Are You Marrying the Person or the Dream?

 “I’ve been waiting for ages for my prince charming. I think he died on the way to the castle...” Anonymous

We all want to live ‘the dream’. What that looks like varies from person to person: it may be to become a rock star or to be obscenely rich. For some, the dream is to meet the ideal person and live happily ever after. When you fall in love with someone, you need to be clear on how you define ‘happily ever after’. How will you know you’ve achieved this, if you don’t take the time to define it beforehand?

Some people are prone to envision a whole lifetime very early in a relationship. We imagine the house we will live in, the children we will have, and sitting around the tree Christmas morning ten years in the future...even before we have introduced our date to our parents. If there is no ring on your finger, it is foolish to be picking out china patterns. Until you are more committed to each other, keep your dreams for the future in check. Unrealistic expectations was listed by forty-five percent of people as a major contributor that led to their divorce. (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005)

We sometimes too fall in love with the potential of a person. We see those aspects that make them a good fit, but ignore those that do not. We assume if we love them deeply enough, it will change any undesirable traits. We hope the person we are with will grow to fill the dream, rather then amend the dream to fit the reality. But problems we have before tying the knot rarely get better after and certainly not if we are not actively working on changing.

I once heard a woman say of the guy she was dating that she wanted to help him ‘become someone’. She then set about paying for classes and helping him become better. Turns out, once he became someone, he wanted someone better. Rather then look to someone’s potential, we should take them as we find them. If they are not good enough as they are, move on. Why waste your time?

Some of us are good at seeing the best in people. We should all want to grow and be better people, but if your partner doesn’t want it for themselves. you shouldn’t drag them kicking and screaming. If you are hanging on only for the expectation of the better, it could be a rough ride. One that often ends in disappointment.

While we often try to find someone to fit our dreams, I also see people who act like a chameleon to fit into their partner’s dreams. If he’s into guitars, she runs out and buys one because it’s always been something she wanted to do. If she’s into hiking, he spends his weekends hitting the trails with her. If you’ve seen the Netflix movie, Love Hard, this might sound very familiar... This is essentially the definition of ‘catfishing’ – i.e. pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of fitting what you believe is someone else’s vision of the perfect partner.

While it is good to try out the other’s hobbies, we need to be honest about who we are and what our interests are. If you actually hate being in the woods, then you are unlikely to keep up with your hiker girlfriend over a lifetime. It is hard to maintain something that is just an act, the truth will come out eventually. It may be hard to accept, but maybe they would be happier with someone else in the long run.

It may be that you have the right kind of person, they are devoted, kind, but has a few rough edges. Sounds like time to book the chapel, right? Turns out she doesn’t want children and wants to live in a yurt in Mongolia and raise camels. This is a far cry from your dream of two kids and a house down the street from your parents. Plus you’re allergic to camels!

It is okay to have a dream, but we need to be realistic about whether this person is the right fit for that dream. You do not want to be like the step-sisters in Cinderella, who cut off their toes to try to fit into the glass slipper.

Would You Be Open to Praying Together for a Healthy Relationship?

“Sincere and concentrated prayer will do infinitely more than any human strategy for a happy marriage.” Pastor Francis Chan

We all enter marriage hoping for wedded bliss, the stuff of fairy tales and sappy romance films. The reality of it is that marriage is hard, even under the best circumstances...

The beginning of a relationship is glorious, that mad rush of hormones when you hate being apart and think everything about your partner is wonderful. This stage is easy and marked by utter joy. This blissful honeymoon phase gives way to real life where the garbage needs to be taken out and supper made. Blissfulness gives way to partnership and deep connection, ideally.

The world is moving so fast and it feels like our day is filled to overflowing with responsibilities and distractions. We move through life trying to give just enough of our time and energy to our responsibilities, like our job and still have enough left over for the things that matter, like family. It is easy in the hustle and bustle to let our relationship slide, perhaps feeling secure that it will always be there.

Ideas to enrich a relationship and stave off divorce abound – from counselling to effective communication. Most involve work and retraining how we behave. A different idea emerged that seems almost too simple to work and, yet, research suggests it does... It seems there is truth in the adage: the family that prays together, stays together.

Retrouvaille International, a group that holds marriage support seminars, reported in 2005, that couples that pray together or read the Bible daily have a high likelihood of staying bonded together. The statistic they quote is that among this group there was less then one divorce in 1105 marriages. It is not surprising that a faith-based organization would espouse prayer so strongly and it may be that couples that pray together are a breed unto themselves. Still if one's relationship is worth fighting for, it certainly seems worth a try, even if you do not have a spiritual bent.

Andrew Greeley, author of Faithful Attraction, reiterates the point. He states, “Praying together is the most powerful predictor of marital happiness that researchers have yet discovered.” Praying together produces stronger, happier, joy-filled marriages. It was stated to me, though I have not found research to back this up, that researchers with no religious background were so surprised by this finding that they now do this with their spouses.

One struggle that may occur within a couple may be that one partner may not be on board with this. It can be a very lonely place to try to work on things yourself, but there remains hope on this front. Frank Fincham, a psychologist at Florida State University did a series of studies spanning several decades that indicate that prayer for one's partner had positive outcomes.

Frank Fincham and his team suggested this simple expression of care and concern for one's beloved:

Dear Lord, thank you for all the things that are going well in my life and in my relationship. Please continue to protect and guide my partner, providing strength and direction every day. I know you are the source of all good things. Please bring those good things to my partner and make me a blessing in my partner’s life. Amen.

Given the sometimes extensive and expensive measures one goes to in an effort to better a relationship, something as simple and time efficient as simple daily prayer seems like something every married person should consider making a part of each and every day, much as we do simple acts such as brushing one's teeth. It could, in fact, be posted in the bathroom so that as one brushes, one says a simple prayer to insure the health and well-being of marital togetherness.

So, the question remains, Would you be open to praying together every day?