If This Person Says They Love You, is There Evidence of That?

“Real giving is when we give to our spouses what’s important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not.”– Michele Weiner-Davis

If you take people at their word, our jails are filled with people who are innocent. It would be nice if we could be honest when we have done something wrong and just say, "You caught me." The world would be a much better place. Sometimes, we do not reveal what we really think or feel to keep the peace or to spare the feelings of those we care about. On the other hand, we are at heart just striving to meet our own needs.

People tell you who they are if you pay close attention. We get caught up too much in listening to what people say. We should understand we are able to manipulate what comes out of our mouth, but have less control over our bodily reactions. That is why lie detectors were invented, even if they are not one hundred percent reliable. When we are being deceptive we may not be able to look someone in the eye or shift from foot to foot. Some people have a tell when they are lying, but Charles Bond Jr. and Bella DePaulo found that even police are not able to detect with any reliability when someone is lying, having only about a fifty percent accuracy.

As we do not have a reliable method to ascertain the truth of what our beloved tells us, we need another measure of the truth. If you could not hear, what would the things you could see, such as your partners actions tell you about what they believe and how they feel about you and others? Does what you see match up with what has been said? If they say they can be trusted, do they leave the room to make phone calls?

The saying is: actions speak louder than words. It is easy, though, to be dazzled by sweet words when they are what you want to hear. It can be like the misdirection that happens at a magic show. It may not even be that they are acting maliciously, rather we often do not have a full awareness of our own selves, especially our shadow side. We see men who marry yet still party and sleep with other women. Christine Scott-Hudson, a psychotherapist says, "Pay twice as much attention to how someone treats you than what they say. Anybody can say they love you, but behaviour doesn't lie...trust their behaviour."

It is hard to make sense of things when we are drunk on love hormones. When we want this relationship to work so badly, we try hard to look for positive signs and sweep the nasty ones under the rug. There are books that try to help us understand why other people do what they do and help us make better choices in relationships. A great example is He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. He may be giving off signals that this relationship is just scratching an itch while she is picking out a wedding dress. This should be required reading for every young woman. It can be devastating when she realizes the future she was building in her mind was a house of cards. Keeping your eyes open can save you pain down the road.

There is another side to this... There are few things more frustrating in a relationship then to put your whole heart into loving someone the best you are capable of, only to be told by your beloved that they do not feel loved. Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, postulates that we do not all give and expect to be given love in the same way. When we head to a foreign country where another language is spoken we may install a translation app or expect some confusing situations. If we buy into Chapman's notion, many marriages are in need of a love language app to dispel the day-to-day confusion of: "How can she not think I love her?"

The five types Chapman identified are: receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. If you are someone who shows your love through acts of service, you may spend your day shopping for and cooking his favourite meal, picking up his dry cleaning, and washing his socks. Meanwhile he, who speaks love through physical touch, is sitting on the couch thinking she is avoiding being close to him. She just wants him to get his behind off the couch and cross things off that 'honey-do' list. A perfect example of this is the woman who told me, “If he wants to turn me on, clean a toilet.”

If it is not readily apparent what your primary language is, take the quiz Chapman provides.

I found out about this book after my divorce and it was a lightbulb moment. The woman who shared this book with me says she gives this book as a wedding gift and I think this is an excellent idea. It is sure to bring more help and happiness then any small kitchen appliance ever could.