Write a List of the Top Twenty Qualities and Abilities that are Important to you in a Partner

It has been shown that the clearer we are on our goals, the more likely we are to achieve them. Goals need to be defined and measurable. It is fine to say, 'I want to be rich', but what is rich? Is it to have a million in the bank? To own a vacation home in a tropical local? To be able to give up your day job? Top athletes and business owners are successful because they set goals that give them focus and direction.

While the traits we want in a partner are not goals, we need to put consideration into what we want and who will help us to achieve this. In making your list, you should be looking down the road. It may be fun to have a partner that likes to go out dancing and drinking every weekend, but if you want two kids eventually, are they going to one day be okay spending weekends on the couch watching Disney movies? Putting thought into what traits are in line with who we are and how we would like our life to turn out could prevent fights and heartache down the line. Just as we can feel like we are on a hamster wheel – never really achieving anything – if we do not set concrete goals, if you do not put thought into what makes Mr. or Mrs. Right, how will you know when you have found them? I know I sound like a buzzkill, but if love was the only ingredient required in happily ever after, the divorce rate would not be close to fifty percent of marriages. The more we can look at our romance critically, the better chance we have at ‘til death do us part.

Research has also shown that if goals are written down, this holds us accountable to work towards them. This is why it is good to put on paper what traits are important to you in a partner. Write down the top twenty things you feel are essential qualities in a partner. We are all different in what we value, but we should be clear about what is important so we do not compromise just because we do not want to be alone.

Some of the traits listed in studies, like courage and strength are desirable, but it is less clear how you measure them on a typical date unless you are held up at gun point. You should limit your twenty items to things easily determined. Having a steady job, living independently, non-smoking are things that are not subjective. Examine your list critically. Are the items on your list really important or are they things you can live without? A sense of humour, for instance, would be nice, but would you truly turn away a partner that is humourless but dependable, loyal, and treats well?

Once you have your list, look at your partner. Ideally, they check off all the boxes. If they do not, weigh if the item is something you can live with or whether there is something to be done about it. If they are still living in their mother's basement, you could suggest that they move out and see what it is like making their own way before you live together. You will find out if you mean enough to them to make important changes. Conversely, your partner should hold you up to the same scrutiny. Is your love for them strong enough that you will make the changes they deem necessary?

Did your lists include looks or financial means or the potential for financial success? These may not have made the list as these seem like things we joke about; men are looking for a hottie and women wealth. Research has found that the stereotype holds across countries and cultures. There is a whole host of research into the biology of the why of this is but it is unnecessary here. Psychologist, David Buss, in his research found our evolutionary history has this hard wired into us. Though you may not have these on your list, it likely is a factor. Fifty six percent of Americans actually value financial stability over love (Abby Rodman, psychotherapist).

Once you have completed your list, you may find that your beloved is lacking in a lot of ways. You may choose to move forward anyway because you are in love. At the very least, you will be aware of what weaknesses this partnership possesses and can be ready for the ways you may need to step up in order to have the relationship survive. It may be you considered a consistent work history important, yet their resume is a string of year-long stints while they try to find the right fit. This may mean you need to take on the role of principle bread winner and only take on as much debt as your salary alone affords.

Going through this exercise may help you to determine if they are the right person for now or forever. It may even help you clarify what you want from life, as this exercise should help you see into the future – separately and as a couple. If you took this seriously, it may not be the ending you want. Walking away from someone you care for is difficult and painful, but so too is a life of fights and unhappiness.

Could You Be With Someone Who Identifies as Asexual?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

Everyone enters into a relationship – whether it be romantic, platonic, or otherwise – seeking to fill a need. When you apply for a job, you’re filling a need. When you make a friend, you’re filling a different need. And, most pertinent to this blog, when you seek out a romantic partner, you’re looking to fill, likely, many needs.

Sometimes this need is companionship, someone with which you can spend time to ease the sense of loneliness in one’s life. Sometimes, the need relates to one’s ticking biological clock. And, oftentimes, this need is largely physical...namely, sex.

We’re taught that this is normal, a need we’re hardwired to try to satisfy. Especially in the beginning of the relationship when everything is new and hormone-fuelled.

But a growing number of people – especially millenials and subsequent generations – identify with the umbrella term: Asexual. Simply put, it means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. (This is juxtaposed with someone who is aromantic, meaning they don’t experience romantic attraction. And yes, it is possible to be both.)

There are different labels that fall under the Asexual category, including, but not limited to: demisexual (someone who only experiences sexual attraction after a deep emotional connection has been formed) and grey ace (someone who very rarely experiences sexual attraction). It’s important not to confuse the term with celibacy which is when someone makes a conscious choice to abstain from sex, but may still experience sexual desires.

Just to be clear, just because someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction, doesn’t mean that they can’t – or won’t – have sex. Sexual action is different than sexual attraction and one doesn’t necessarily require the other. There are any number of reasons someone who identifies as ace may choose to have sex, such as to satisfy their partner or procreation.

On the other hand, an asexual person may identify with the term ‘sex repulsed’, in which case they’re unlikely to ever have sex, though they may still masturbate, depending on their personal attitudes and needs.

A 2016 survey querying people aged eighteen to thirty found that sixty-three percent identified with the label of female, eleven percent with the label of male, and twenty-six percent with neither identity. According to the Canadian psychologist Anthony Bogaert, “...women will be more likely than men to be asexual because they are, on average, less likely to have had conditioning experiences relevant to sexual orientation development.”

Loosely interpreted, Bogaert is saying that during prepubescence and puberty, those people who identify as men often experience both positive and negative reinforcement pertaining to their sexual identity. They may be rewarded when they show affection – or even outright sexual attraction – to the opposite gender and punished for the opposite.

We can suppose, based on this information, that in a relationship between a man who experiences sexual attraction and a woman who identifies as asexual, the male partner would be more likely to have a difficult time adjusting to the potential lack of physical intimacy than a female partner would if the situation were reversed.

If your partner identifies as asexual, there are a number of questions you should ask yourself:

1. How important is regular sex to me?

2. If I could never have sex with my partner, would I feel in some way short-changed?

3. Could my sexual needs be satisfied by masturbation alone? Is non-sexual intimacy enough?

i. Non-sexual intimacy can take on many forms – for more information, see the following worksheet.

ii. Non-sexual physical intimacy can include: holding hands, cuddling, kissing, hugging, massages, and more.

4. Would I feel the need to cheat if sex were not an option with my primary partner?

5. If my partner were only participating in sex to satisfy my needs, would I feel in some way guilty or as if I were pressuring them into sex?

Obviously, these are just a few of the questions to be asked and discussed with your partner.

As a final note, here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you’re suddenly wondering if you might be asexual:

1. How do I define sexual attraction? What does the concept mean to me?

2. Do I experience sexual attraction?

3. How do I feel about the concept of sex?

4. Do I feel the need to be interested in sex because it’s what’s expected of me?

5. Is sex important to me?

6. Do I see attractive people and feel the desire to have sex with them?

7. How do I enjoy showing affection? Does sex factor in?

What Does Intimacy Mean to Me - Worksheet

 In the space below, define what intimacy means to you:

In the space below, define what you think intimacy means to your partner:

On a scale of one to ten, rate the following forms of intimacy based on their importance to you in a romantic relationship:

1. Experiential Intimacy (bonding through leisure activities):

2. Emotional Intimacy (bonding through sharing feelings):

3. Intellectual Intimacy (bonding through sharing ideas and opinions):

4. Physical Intimacy (bonding through physical contact, often sex):

5. Spiritual Intimacy (bonding through sharing common values and beliefs):

6. Creative Intimacy (bonding through creating together):

7. Crisis Intimacy (bonding through shared experiences of pain and/or difficulty):

Of the above forms of intimacy, choose the three that you believe are essential to your relationship working:

1.

2.

3.

Of the above forms of intimacy, choose the three you believe your partner would think essential to your relationship working:

1.

2.

3.

What is the one form of intimacy that would be a dealbreaker for you if you couldn’t have it?