What Matters to Your Partner?

What is their currency?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life states that "...the best expression of love is time... If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time." The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how he treats what he values.” Also, observe if he shares what he values with you. If he values family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations with our need to let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the 'must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? Does she book spa days when you would like her to join you for family activities? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. "When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back." Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourself. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, not merely something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question our self, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?"

Are You the Ant or the Grasshopper? The Hare or the Tortoise?

Are you the ant or the grasshopper? The hare or the tortoise? How will these archetypes mesh in your relationship?

Aesop’s fables were stories designed to teach morals to young children. The ant is portrayed as hard working and storing away supplies so he could get through a cold winter. The grasshopper who has spent the summer playing, comes to the ant wondering how he will survive now that winter has set in and he has done nothing to prepare. In its Grimm’s original version we can only assume the grasshopper comes to a poor end. In brighter, newer additions, the ant shows charity.

These are people who personify these fairy tale characters. The grasshopper is the person for whom money burns a hole in their pocket, who does not plan for tomorrow as they are just having too much fun living in the moment. These people, if they do not mend their ways, end up at retirement wondering why no one told them this day would come as they find themselves on the street.

The ant in contrast is careful with their money. People would describe them as hard workers, driven, prepared. They will save up money to buy a car rather then get a loan. They save for retirement and probably have a purse or car filled with items in case of an emergency. These characteristics exist on a continuum with some people falling somewhere in the middle, but more likely, people fall somewhat on one side or the other.

The characters displayed in this fable go beyond a discussion of finances. These characters could be seen in a couple where one works nine to five, getting a regular pay cheque and that makes them feel secure. The other may freelance as an artist, barely able to pay the bills, but loving what they do.

You may even see this in parenting style: one parent who makes sure the children have their homework done, a nutritious lunch, and get to bed at a regular hour. The other gets on the floor and wrestles with the kids, lets them stay up to watch a movie, and lets the children binge on chips and cookies.

Dating a grasshopper may be fun for an ant – a wild adventure. But you always need to ask: what will life look like down the road? It may not look so fun when the grasshopper spends his pay cheque on a new sound system for his car and the water bill goes unpaid. When the responsibility weighs heavily on your ant shoulders because the grasshopper has said she’ll get to it after she is done with her video game, but she never is. Will it feel like you are a single parent when your partner is always spending weekends playing sports? A grasshopper may be drawn to an ant as someone who has their life together, but down the road find them boring and uninspiring. The ant may not look so cool when she takes your pay cheque and puts you on an allowance.

I dated a grasshopper that I came to realize had only reentered the dating scene because he needed money. He could not afford his rent and was having to consider selling some of the toys he had purchased. Clearly, grasshoppers are not planners. My theory based on the grasshoppers I know is that grasshoppers look outside themselves for a solution, as did the grasshopper in the fable. The grasshopper I dated could have moved to a smaller place or taken a second job on the weekends. He did not want a second job because, in true grasshopper fashion, he liked to play on the weekends.

A relationship between an ant and a grasshopper could work as long as they were aware of their differing styles. It may mean having separate bank accounts and you would certainly not want to leave the grasshopper solely in charge of paying the bills. Letting the grasshopper, though, be in charge of the vacation would pull the ant out of their routine and probably be a lot of fun.

The hare and the tortoise is a very well known and often referenced fable with its ‘slow but steady wins the race’ moral. In life, there are those that move through it at high speed. In a rush to complete tasks and get to where they are going fast. Then there are those who set out a plan, make lists, and then take action methodically.

The hare may get things done quickly, sometimes without the careful checking that may mean errors are made. The e-transfer is in the wrong amount, leaving the baking powder out of the cake, the pile of speeding tickets they amass. Mistakes they may consider just the cost of getting things done, the ends justifying the means.

The turtle may check that the stove is off and all the lights are off (twice) and may be perpetually late as they are so cautious. Then, too, there are people that are turtles that just do things slowly and no prompts to speed things up will hasten their progress. Turtle behaviour can also mean that nothing ever happens as they are perpetually in planning mode, researching and measuring until they are afraid to decide, and nothing ends up happening.

It is clear that a couple with these traits will butt heads, each will feel uncomfortable at the other’s speed. Compromise will have to be the theme of a marriage between the hare and the turtle. The turtle will have two days to research printers, give their top three picks to the hare, and let them decide. The hare will not be in charge of baking the cake for a special event, but will shop for the food. Within any partnership we should play to out strengths and that can can ensure we cross the finishing line together.

Are You Looking to Fix Your Partner?

“Who someone could be still doesn’t change who they are. Never fall in love with someone’s potential because you could be falling in love with a person they’ll never be. Don’t let your hope make you blind to reality.” @trentshelton

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say if only my partner would... everything would be perfect, I’d be a rich woman. Far too often we enter marriage thinking it will fix the other person or make any issues we have disappear. It feels, when we are under the spell of love hormones, that love is all we need. It can be easy to believe that ours is a love deeper than any ever experienced by anyone else, so no problem will ever be too big to overcome. Down the road, every problem, every annoyance is still there and now we are living together and joined in a legal contract. Is it any surprise the average marriage lasts roughly eight years?

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone says of their partner, ‘they have so much potential’. That says, I don’t love and accept them for who they are, but who I can mould them into. The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program states, “One sign of relationship problems, now or in the future, is when you focus on your partner as the source of the problems”. We want other people to do the changing, to meet us where we are. It is far easier and less painful to have others change than to examine ourselves, discover our flaws, and do what needs to be done to change ourselves. It is far easier to see where someone else is wrong.

A bigger question is: does your partner see they need to be fixed or do they even want to be fixed. Likely, if they wanted to be fixed, they would have done so already. Real change comes from within. A permanent fix is less likely if it comes from an external source. I saw a news article about a young man that had died from an overdose after having been in rehab, not once but twice. If we don’t have the motivation internally, when we find ourselves under pressure or facing things that are triggers, we slip back into old patterns if our motivations are less than a genuine sense of wanting to be better.

Do you feel your partner needs a whole lot of work? If this is who you have chosen, is it actually that you are settling? The desire for love is powerful and in the search for it, we sometimes lower our standards to find it. It makes it easier to see past the red flags, including the fact our partner is a complete tear down. This plays into the question of why you want to be in a relationship. If it’s for reasons of need rather than want, we are like a starving man, subject to taking whomever we can get our hands on. Is this really what you want for yourself?

One thing you may not want to explore is whether the issue you want fixed even rests with your partner. It might actually be you. Dr George Simon had a couple come to see him because the husband saw the need for professional help to fix his wife who was ‘difficult’. Simon, during the counselling sessions, determined the person that needed the most change was in fact the husband. The husband couldn't see it, not until after a divorce and several failed relationships.

We have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. Our partner’s flaws are as visible as Christmas lights on a dark night to us. When it comes to our own: What flaws? Do I have flaws??? You have them as well and likely your partner is very aware of them. They too may be hoping you’ll change. The thing to remember is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We should focus not on hoping and nagging our partner to get them to be who we want, but on why these things bother us. What can we do to make this area of our partnership better? Are these issues deal breakers? We should not hope to make someone over, we need to take them as they are, warts and all, or be ready to move on.

Do You Both Have the Ability (and Income) to Live Independently?

“Hope for the best, plan for the worst.” Lee Child

Evolutionary study suggests that couples came together to ensure that their children survive to pass on their genes. While, once this was necessary, society has put in place safeguards, so now the community helps in this regard. Marriage has come to mean something else.

We now marry for happy ever after. And a lot of bad reasons. We just have no idea what comes after the fairy tale wedding. Too often, the wedding alone is the goal. Television shows abound about the wedding. There is no reality show called, “Who does the dishes?” that follows newly married couples struggling to split up housework. We have been fed too many romantic notions about love and marriage and lack a clear picture of what love is like over a lifetime.

People come out of divorce finding that they lack certain skills or financial means. The sad truth is: too many women and children live in poverty after divorce. I know no one reading thinks that this will happen to them – I know from personal experience, that person was me. Right up to the end. You may not change, but your partner may. And where does that leave you?

While you have a fifty percent chance of your marriage ending, you have an even higher chance that something bad will happen. When will a job loss, critical illness, or accident befall your household? If you reach your deathbed without such a hardship, you need to consider yourself very blessed. Within the span of a year, three women in my neighbourhood suffered the death of their husbands. Not unusual if these were seniors, but these were women in their thirties and forties. We never know when a crisis will hit, so we should have the skills necessary to run our life independently.

Partnerships work best when we are whole people. When we have the skills to take care of ourselves. Marriage is hard, even though you may love each other completely. People change, love changes, and life throws a lot at us. Having an ability to adapt and a wide skill set is hugely beneficial in helping you navigate the twist and turns life can have.

A neighbour suffered through a period when her husband was hospitalized. She confessed she had never spent a night away from him since they became a couple, some fifteen years earlier. She could not sleep without him there.

A marriage should be a coming together of complete people, not people who need completing. After a divorce, men tell me they did not know how to put a ponytail in their daughters’ hair or sew on a button. Women tell me they did not know what a furnace filter was or where the shut-off valve was for the house water supply. When couples come together for a need – financial, lacking skills, emotional help, etc. – we have a scenario where there could be imbalance in the relationship.

Just because you can do everything, doesn’t mean you have to or necessarily should. My view of a relationship is that we, as a team, work with our strengths. My daughters played soccer and, standing on the sidelines, it is clear that to win, the team needs to put players where they excel. My daughter would not have been efficient in the goal, but she sure was great at defence. I have rebuilt a transmission, but I would rather bake a birthday cake.

When I was married, one of the bathrooms needed a small repair. Once the materials were purchased, I asked my spouse when it would get done. ‘Whenever you do it,’ he replied, because I needed to be able to do these things for myself. I did, it took probably twice as long as it would for someone skilled in these sort of things, but it was a good job. That same afternoon, he asked me to do a mending job on a piece of his clothing, failing to see the irony in the situation.

If you see yourself in this missive, there is an easy fix, even if you feel you will never divorce. Ask your spouse to show you how to do the things you do not know. A last and really important reason to be as complete a person as possible within a coupling: it makes for a stronger relationship.

What Are Your Long-Term Financial Goals?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Zig Ziglar

It has been shown that talking about money is uncomfortable and because of this, couples will keep their financial picture under wraps longer than they should. Watch enough reality television and you will see couples shopping for engagement rings before they explore what financial goals they each have and how they plan to achieve them. It isn’t surprising that couples marry without knowing what their spending versus saving style is, how much debt they carry, let alone what they want for their financial future.

As a couple, you should explore what your long-term financial goals are and look at what you will need to do in order to bring them to fruition. Gail Vaz Oxlade – financial writer – advises couples, "Have conversations about what it is you're trying to achieve. Don't just assume you both want to buy a house, and even if you say you want to buy a house, do you want to buy the same kind of house? You have to have the conversations and you can't just assume that the other person is on track with you if you don't ask the question."

Take this example of buying a home... It’s a great financial goal to have, but are you really prepared? People buy a house and get underwater because they forgot about taxes, condo fees, or closing costs. The cost for heat is too high or the roof needs a repair. In addition to being prepared to meet such goals, it’s important to know whether your partner shares the same dream.

Do you want to own a house? Is it doable in the area you are currently living? Can you afford it on your own or will you need a co-signer? At your present salary, how long will it take to save for a down payment?

Do you want children? Do you know the cost to raise a child is more than two hundred thousand dollars? Will one of you stay home instead of working to cut on childcare costs? Does one or both of you want the best of everything for your children, including private school?

Do you want a vacation property? A boat? A yearly tropical vacation?

Don’t forget retirement. It may seem so very far away when you are young, but it’s never too soon to plan. Do you want to retire at fifty-five?

What about funeral expenses? Are you planning ahead for things like this? The average funeral in Canada costs between five and ten thousand dollars! Do you want to leave an inheritance for any children you may have?

In addition to the needs of life, what are your dreams? Have you always wanted a horse? Does your partner want to visit France? You might think not all goals are financial goals, but often they are. You want to get a pilot’s license? How are you going to pay for it? You want to spend the night in a European castle? How will you pay for your flight there? All the bucket list items we have likely have a price tag attached.

All this requires planning. It may even be wise to sit down with a financial planner and obtain a second opinion on whether your goals are achievable at your current income levels and get some advice as to how you can best work towards them.

Once you agree on what your goals are as a couple, set down a plan on how you will achieve them. Not all of us are great at handling finances. Both parties should know what is going on in this regard, but based on money managing skills, one may be the better choice to hold the reins. And even if you’re taking equal roles in money managing, it’s important to ensure you’re on the same page, so bills aren’t being paid twice – or not at all – because of miscommunication.

What Are You Willing to Do to Maintain a Strong Bond?

“I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking wine, tongue kissing, and dancing under the moon.” Rachel Wolchin

It is hard to maintain a connection to someone you rarely connect with. Like that best friend from elementary school that moved away in grade four. You think of them fondly and from time to time have long phone calls. You swap gifts and cards, but honestly, if they stopped communicating it wouldn’t leave that big a hole in your life.

Our intimate partnerships shouldn’t be like this. The reason we committed to each other in the first place is as a result of the amount of time we spent together initially. All the time we spent talking and getting to know each other. It can be easy to slip into a routine and believe that the hard work is over and now you can just exist in proximity to each other.

Meryn G. Callander, in a report titled Why Dads Leave, states, “A couple’s developing empathy and respect for each others’ feelings and needs, and communicating with the intent to love and to learn, rather than protect and defend, is key. Make spacious time to talk—ideally daily—at least weekly.” Partnerships need to be nurtured if we wish to maintain a healthy, long-lasting bond.

Empathy and concern for the other’s feelings is easier for women than men. Women define themselves by relationships, men by careers. A woman is going to fight for her relationship and that is why you may feel they nag or pursue you when you want to walk away from an argument. They may be in fear of the distance they feel happening in a relationship and desperately want to bring you closer together again. I am in no way suggesting that men don’t feel empathy or care about their partners feelings. I am just reporting what studies have shown. No matter your gender, we should strive to make sure our bond remains strong.

I see online and in bookstores, thirty day challenges for everything from weight loss to making the world a better place. It would be nice if whenever we felt distant or a lack of health in our relationship, we undertook a marriage thirty day challenge (though it takes sixty-six days for a new habit to become automatic – so maybe do it twice).

1. Tell your partner five things you like about them.

2. Ask your partner to share something you may not know about them.

3. Hold hands as often as possible today.

4. Pray for your partner and your relationship.

5. Do something nice for your partner.

6. Give each other a massage (alternate nights if time requires it).

7. Tell your partner a dream you haven’t shared before and ask them to help you fulfill it.

8. Surprise your partner with notes, phone calls, or texts reflecting your love.

9. Make sure to hug and/or kiss each other at least twice each day, every day.

10. Check in with how your partner is doing and really listen.

11. Try to glean something your partner would really like to have or for you to do and do it (e.g. put away the patio furniture, buy flowers, bake them cookies). It’s okay to ask their friend for hints.

12. Buy or make your partner a card.

13. Do something in line with your partners Love Language (if you don’t know what it is, go directly to jail, do not pass go).

14. Tell your partner something you appreciate that they have done.

15. Do something without being asked (e.g. if they usually empty the dishwasher do it before they get to it).

16. Talk up your partner in front of others.

17. Bring up a fun, special, or memorable moment you had together. Better yet, find a physical reminder (picture, sticker, souvenir) and leave it, with a note, where your partner will see it.

18. Cook their favourite meal or dessert.

19. Put on some music and cook dinner together. Use your best dishes and light candles.

20. You may not be old enough to remember mix tapes, but putting together a playlist of your partner’s favourite music is still a nice gesture.

21. Write a pro’s list of why you are glad your partner is in your life. Leave it where they’ll find it.

22. Write or plagiarize a poem of love for your partner.

23. Don’t forget your manners. Please and thank you always go a long way.

24. Make them breakfast in bed.

25. Buy their favourite snacks and let them pick the movie. Cuddle up while you watch it.

26. Find an unusual reason to celebrate your partner (e.g. Kiss a Ginger day).

27. Participate in one of their activities you normally don’t.

28. Write them a love letter.

29. Recreate your first date or how you met.

30. Do a relationship challenge or read and discuss a book on marriage.

31. Meet up at a bar or coffee shop and pretend you are strangers meeting for the first time.

32. Do a new activity together, such as a cooking class or a kick boxing class.

33. Spice up your intimacy.

34. Make sure hugs last at least twenty seconds.

35. Dance together – it has been shown to strengthen and repair relationships.

36. Spend four minutes gazing into each others eyes with no talking.

37. Ask how you can make their day better.

It is hard not to feel loved when someone is focusing their energy and attention on you. The reverse is also true: when you focus your energy and attention on someone, you’re often reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place.

What is Their Locus of Control?

“When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” Unknown

In 1954, Julian Rotter, a psychologist, developed a concept he coined: locus of control. This is the degree to which people believe they have control over what happens in their life. Do things happen to you or do you make things happen?

At one extreme is the internal locus of control. People high in this attribute believe they determine their own future. They are in control and their success and failure is attributable to their efforts. ‘If I work hard, I will get a good grade.’

At the other end of the continuum is the external locus of control. They see themselves as a victim of fate. Things happen to them from the outside and, therefore, are not their fault. These are people who feel their efforts do not matter. Factors such as luck, fate, and prejudice are seen as interfering in getting what they want out of life. People with this attribute often don’t respond well to change and are less likely to learn new skills or ways of doing things since they don’t feel it will make a difference.

As with all personality traits, these occur along a continuum, rarely is one at the extreme end. The way a person leans in this respect gives us a window into how they approach life and how they solve problems. A job loss may be met by someone whose control is external with blaming and helplessness. An internal control mindset would approach this by evaluating what they could have done differently, then hustling to find a new job in their field, taking a temporary fast food position, or going back to school.

How will your locus of control effect your relationship? If both people have an internal sense of control, life will likely be pretty sweet. Both will set goals and work to attain them, will accept responsibility for their faults and put in the work to have a healthy and happy marriage.

If both people have a high external sense of control, life will likely only run smoothly when life is running smoothly. When they hit a bump in the road, there will be blaming, rationalizing, and inaction. They will fight, pinning the fault on the other, luck, or fate. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. As they aren’t readily willing to learn new ways, each will maintain the status quo and change for the better is unlikely.

A couple that has one of each will face their own unique issues. The internal person may become over- responsible. They will be doing all the work for their relationship, working harder than they would if they were with someone with a similar bent. The external locus person will become under-responsible. They are less likely to work to change things, to learn new methods. When issues crop up, the external person will heap the blame on their partner who will likely shoulder it as they are wont to do.

People with an internal responsibility have been found to have more success in all aspects in their life, including better health, career, and even relationships. There can be a downside, though. At an extreme, some of these people take on too many of the world’s problems. They blame themselves when things go wrong in the community or globally. They worry they could be doing more or that they are using too many of the world’s resources, so recycle religiously, walk rather then drive, and donate old clothes to charity. While having an internal locus can be beneficial, it can lead to being too responsible.

It shouldn’t be surprising to learn that people with an external bent suffer from stress, anxiety, and even depression when things are not going their way. They are likely to end up stagnating. Staying in a job that leads nowhere. Staying in relationships that aren’t healthy. Never becoming the best version of themselves. I have no evidence to back this up, but I believe these people also become control freaks over the things they can actually control, like eating. They try to manage as much as they can a world they see as doing things to them.

They say you can increase your internal locus of control and learn to take responsibility, so long as you are aware...