Happiest Ever After

Are You Looking to Fix Your Partner?

“Who someone could be still doesn’t change who they are. Never fall in love with someone’s potential because you could be falling in love with a person they’ll never be. Don’t let your hope make you blind to reality.” @trentshelton

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say if only my partner would... everything would be perfect, I’d be a rich woman. Far too often we enter marriage thinking it will fix the other person or make any issues we have disappear. It feels, when we are under the spell of love hormones, that love is all we need. It can be easy to believe that ours is a love deeper than any ever experienced by anyone else, so no problem will ever be too big to overcome. Down the road, every problem, every annoyance is still there and now we are living together and joined in a legal contract. Is it any surprise the average marriage lasts roughly eight years?

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone says of their partner, ‘they have so much potential’. That says, I don’t love and accept them for who they are, but who I can mould them into. The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program states, “One sign of relationship problems, now or in the future, is when you focus on your partner as the source of the problems”. We want other people to do the changing, to meet us where we are. It is far easier and less painful to have others change than to examine ourselves, discover our flaws, and do what needs to be done to change ourselves. It is far easier to see where someone else is wrong.

A bigger question is: does your partner see they need to be fixed or do they even want to be fixed. Likely, if they wanted to be fixed, they would have done so already. Real change comes from within. A permanent fix is less likely if it comes from an external source. I saw a news article about a young man that had died from an overdose after having been in rehab, not once but twice. If we don’t have the motivation internally, when we find ourselves under pressure or facing things that are triggers, we slip back into old patterns if our motivations are less than a genuine sense of wanting to be better.

Do you feel your partner needs a whole lot of work? If this is who you have chosen, is it actually that you are settling? The desire for love is powerful and in the search for it, we sometimes lower our standards to find it. It makes it easier to see past the red flags, including the fact our partner is a complete tear down. This plays into the question of why you want to be in a relationship. If it’s for reasons of need rather than want, we are like a starving man, subject to taking whomever we can get our hands on. Is this really what you want for yourself?

One thing you may not want to explore is whether the issue you want fixed even rests with your partner. It might actually be you. Dr George Simon had a couple come to see him because the husband saw the need for professional help to fix his wife who was ‘difficult’. Simon, during the counselling sessions, determined the person that needed the most change was in fact the husband. The husband couldn't see it, not until after a divorce and several failed relationships.

We have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. Our partner’s flaws are as visible as Christmas lights on a dark night to us. When it comes to our own: What flaws? Do I have flaws??? You have them as well and likely your partner is very aware of them. They too may be hoping you’ll change. The thing to remember is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We should focus not on hoping and nagging our partner to get them to be who we want, but on why these things bother us. What can we do to make this area of our partnership better? Are these issues deal breakers? We should not hope to make someone over, we need to take them as they are, warts and all, or be ready to move on.

Do You Both Have the Ability (and Income) to Live Independently?

“Hope for the best, plan for the worst.” Lee Child

Evolutionary study suggests that couples came together to ensure that their children survive to pass on their genes. While, once this was necessary, society has put in place safeguards, so now the community helps in this regard. Marriage has come to mean something else.

We now marry for happy ever after. And a lot of bad reasons. We just have no idea what comes after the fairy tale wedding. Too often, the wedding alone is the goal. Television shows abound about the wedding. There is no reality show called, “Who does the dishes?” that follows newly married couples struggling to split up housework. We have been fed too many romantic notions about love and marriage and lack a clear picture of what love is like over a lifetime.

People come out of divorce finding that they lack certain skills or financial means. The sad truth is: too many women and children live in poverty after divorce. I know no one reading thinks that this will happen to them – I know from personal experience, that person was me. Right up to the end. You may not change, but your partner may. And where does that leave you?

While you have a fifty percent chance of your marriage ending, you have an even higher chance that something bad will happen. When will a job loss, critical illness, or accident befall your household? If you reach your deathbed without such a hardship, you need to consider yourself very blessed. Within the span of a year, three women in my neighbourhood suffered the death of their husbands. Not unusual if these were seniors, but these were women in their thirties and forties. We never know when a crisis will hit, so we should have the skills necessary to run our life independently.

Partnerships work best when we are whole people. When we have the skills to take care of ourselves. Marriage is hard, even though you may love each other completely. People change, love changes, and life throws a lot at us. Having an ability to adapt and a wide skill set is hugely beneficial in helping you navigate the twist and turns life can have.

A neighbour suffered through a period when her husband was hospitalized. She confessed she had never spent a night away from him since they became a couple, some fifteen years earlier. She could not sleep without him there.

A marriage should be a coming together of complete people, not people who need completing. After a divorce, men tell me they did not know how to put a ponytail in their daughters’ hair or sew on a button. Women tell me they did not know what a furnace filter was or where the shut-off valve was for the house water supply. When couples come together for a need – financial, lacking skills, emotional help, etc. – we have a scenario where there could be imbalance in the relationship.

Just because you can do everything, doesn’t mean you have to or necessarily should. My view of a relationship is that we, as a team, work with our strengths. My daughters played soccer and, standing on the sidelines, it is clear that to win, the team needs to put players where they excel. My daughter would not have been efficient in the goal, but she sure was great at defence. I have rebuilt a transmission, but I would rather bake a birthday cake.

When I was married, one of the bathrooms needed a small repair. Once the materials were purchased, I asked my spouse when it would get done. ‘Whenever you do it,’ he replied, because I needed to be able to do these things for myself. I did, it took probably twice as long as it would for someone skilled in these sort of things, but it was a good job. That same afternoon, he asked me to do a mending job on a piece of his clothing, failing to see the irony in the situation.

If you see yourself in this missive, there is an easy fix, even if you feel you will never divorce. Ask your spouse to show you how to do the things you do not know. A last and really important reason to be as complete a person as possible within a coupling: it makes for a stronger relationship.

What Are Your Long-Term Financial Goals?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Zig Ziglar

It has been shown that talking about money is uncomfortable and because of this, couples will keep their financial picture under wraps longer than they should. Watch enough reality television and you will see couples shopping for engagement rings before they explore what financial goals they each have and how they plan to achieve them. It isn’t surprising that couples marry without knowing what their spending versus saving style is, how much debt they carry, let alone what they want for their financial future.

As a couple, you should explore what your long-term financial goals are and look at what you will need to do in order to bring them to fruition. Gail Vaz Oxlade – financial writer – advises couples, "Have conversations about what it is you're trying to achieve. Don't just assume you both want to buy a house, and even if you say you want to buy a house, do you want to buy the same kind of house? You have to have the conversations and you can't just assume that the other person is on track with you if you don't ask the question."

Take this example of buying a home... It’s a great financial goal to have, but are you really prepared? People buy a house and get underwater because they forgot about taxes, condo fees, or closing costs. The cost for heat is too high or the roof needs a repair. In addition to being prepared to meet such goals, it’s important to know whether your partner shares the same dream.

Do you want to own a house? Is it doable in the area you are currently living? Can you afford it on your own or will you need a co-signer? At your present salary, how long will it take to save for a down payment?

Do you want children? Do you know the cost to raise a child is more than two hundred thousand dollars? Will one of you stay home instead of working to cut on childcare costs? Does one or both of you want the best of everything for your children, including private school?

Do you want a vacation property? A boat? A yearly tropical vacation?

Don’t forget retirement. It may seem so very far away when you are young, but it’s never too soon to plan. Do you want to retire at fifty-five?

What about funeral expenses? Are you planning ahead for things like this? The average funeral in Canada costs between five and ten thousand dollars! Do you want to leave an inheritance for any children you may have?

In addition to the needs of life, what are your dreams? Have you always wanted a horse? Does your partner want to visit France? You might think not all goals are financial goals, but often they are. You want to get a pilot’s license? How are you going to pay for it? You want to spend the night in a European castle? How will you pay for your flight there? All the bucket list items we have likely have a price tag attached.

All this requires planning. It may even be wise to sit down with a financial planner and obtain a second opinion on whether your goals are achievable at your current income levels and get some advice as to how you can best work towards them.

Once you agree on what your goals are as a couple, set down a plan on how you will achieve them. Not all of us are great at handling finances. Both parties should know what is going on in this regard, but based on money managing skills, one may be the better choice to hold the reins. And even if you’re taking equal roles in money managing, it’s important to ensure you’re on the same page, so bills aren’t being paid twice – or not at all – because of miscommunication.

What Are You Willing to Do to Maintain a Strong Bond?

“I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking wine, tongue kissing, and dancing under the moon.” Rachel Wolchin

It is hard to maintain a connection to someone you rarely connect with. Like that best friend from elementary school that moved away in grade four. You think of them fondly and from time to time have long phone calls. You swap gifts and cards, but honestly, if they stopped communicating it wouldn’t leave that big a hole in your life.

Our intimate partnerships shouldn’t be like this. The reason we committed to each other in the first place is as a result of the amount of time we spent together initially. All the time we spent talking and getting to know each other. It can be easy to slip into a routine and believe that the hard work is over and now you can just exist in proximity to each other.

Meryn G. Callander, in a report titled Why Dads Leave, states, “A couple’s developing empathy and respect for each others’ feelings and needs, and communicating with the intent to love and to learn, rather than protect and defend, is key. Make spacious time to talk—ideally daily—at least weekly.” Partnerships need to be nurtured if we wish to maintain a healthy, long-lasting bond.

Empathy and concern for the other’s feelings is easier for women than men. Women define themselves by relationships, men by careers. A woman is going to fight for her relationship and that is why you may feel they nag or pursue you when you want to walk away from an argument. They may be in fear of the distance they feel happening in a relationship and desperately want to bring you closer together again. I am in no way suggesting that men don’t feel empathy or care about their partners feelings. I am just reporting what studies have shown. No matter your gender, we should strive to make sure our bond remains strong.

I see online and in bookstores, thirty day challenges for everything from weight loss to making the world a better place. It would be nice if whenever we felt distant or a lack of health in our relationship, we undertook a marriage thirty day challenge (though it takes sixty-six days for a new habit to become automatic – so maybe do it twice).

Tell your partner five things you like about them.
Ask your partner to share something you may not know about them.
Hold hands as often as possible today.
Pray for your partner and your relationship.
Do something nice for your partner.
Give each other a massage (alternate nights if time requires it).
Tell your partner a dream you haven’t shared before and ask them to help you fulfill it.
Surprise your partner with notes, phone calls, or texts reflecting your love.
Make sure to hug and/or kiss each other at least twice each day, every day.
Check in with how your partner is doing and really listen.
Try to glean something your partner would really like to have or for you to do and do it (e.g. put away the patio furniture, buy flowers, bake them cookies). It’s okay to ask their friend for hints.
Buy or make your partner a card.
Do something in line with your partners Love Language (if you don’t know what it is, go directly to jail, do not pass go).
Tell your partner something you appreciate that they have done.
Do something without being asked (e.g. if they usually empty the dishwasher do it before they get to it).
Talk up your partner in front of others.
Bring up a fun, special, or memorable moment you had together. Better yet, find a physical reminder (picture, sticker, souvenir) and leave it, with a note, where your partner will see it.
Cook their favourite meal or dessert.
Put on some music and cook dinner together. Use your best dishes and light candles.
You may not be old enough to remember mix tapes, but putting together a playlist of your partner’s favourite music is still a nice gesture.
Write a pro’s list of why you are glad your partner is in your life. Leave it where they’ll find it.
Write or plagiarize a poem of love for your partner.
Don’t forget your manners. Please and thank you always go a long way.
Make them breakfast in bed.
Buy their favourite snacks and let them pick the movie. Cuddle up while you watch it.
Find an unusual reason to celebrate your partner (e.g. Kiss a Ginger day).
Participate in one of their activities you normally don’t.
Write them a love letter.
Recreate your first date or how you met.
Do a relationship challenge or read and discuss a book on marriage.
Meet up at a bar or coffee shop and pretend you are strangers meeting for the first time.
Do a new activity together, such as a cooking class or a kick boxing class.
Spice up your intimacy.
Make sure hugs last at least twenty seconds.
Dance together – it has been shown to strengthen and repair relationships.
Spend four minutes gazing into each others eyes with no talking.
Ask how you can make their day better.

It is hard not to feel loved when someone is focusing their energy and attention on you. The reverse is also true: when you focus your energy and attention on someone, you’re often reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place.

What is Their Locus of Control?

“When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” Unknown

In 1954, Julian Rotter, a psychologist, developed a concept he coined: locus of control. This is the degree to which people believe they have control over what happens in their life. Do things happen to you or do you make things happen?

At one extreme is the internal locus of control. People high in this attribute believe they determine their own future. They are in control and their success and failure is attributable to their efforts. ‘If I work hard, I will get a good grade.’

At the other end of the continuum is the external locus of control. They see themselves as a victim of fate. Things happen to them from the outside and, therefore, are not their fault. These are people who feel their efforts do not matter. Factors such as luck, fate, and prejudice are seen as interfering in getting what they want out of life. People with this attribute often don’t respond well to change and are less likely to learn new skills or ways of doing things since they don’t feel it will make a difference.

As with all personality traits, these occur along a continuum, rarely is one at the extreme end. The way a person leans in this respect gives us a window into how they approach life and how they solve problems. A job loss may be met by someone whose control is external with blaming and helplessness. An internal control mindset would approach this by evaluating what they could have done differently, then hustling to find a new job in their field, taking a temporary fast food position, or going back to school.

How will your locus of control effect your relationship? If both people have an internal sense of control, life will likely be pretty sweet. Both will set goals and work to attain them, will accept responsibility for their faults and put in the work to have a healthy and happy marriage.

If both people have a high external sense of control, life will likely only run smoothly when life is running smoothly. When they hit a bump in the road, there will be blaming, rationalizing, and inaction. They will fight, pinning the fault on the other, luck, or fate. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. As they aren’t readily willing to learn new ways, each will maintain the status quo and change for the better is unlikely.

A couple that has one of each will face their own unique issues. The internal person may become over- responsible. They will be doing all the work for their relationship, working harder than they would if they were with someone with a similar bent. The external locus person will become under-responsible. They are less likely to work to change things, to learn new methods. When issues crop up, the external person will heap the blame on their partner who will likely shoulder it as they are wont to do.

People with an internal responsibility have been found to have more success in all aspects in their life, including better health, career, and even relationships. There can be a downside, though. At an extreme, some of these people take on too many of the world’s problems. They blame themselves when things go wrong in the community or globally. They worry they could be doing more or that they are using too many of the world’s resources, so recycle religiously, walk rather then drive, and donate old clothes to charity. While having an internal locus can be beneficial, it can lead to being too responsible.

It shouldn’t be surprising to learn that people with an external bent suffer from stress, anxiety, and even depression when things are not going their way. They are likely to end up stagnating. Staying in a job that leads nowhere. Staying in relationships that aren’t healthy. Never becoming the best version of themselves. I have no evidence to back this up, but I believe these people also become control freaks over the things they can actually control, like eating. They try to manage as much as they can a world they see as doing things to them.

They say you can increase your internal locus of control and learn to take responsibility, so long as you are aware...

Do Either of You Lack Impulse Control?

“Delayed gratification is a sweet lesson whose teacher knows the best is not right now, it is yet to be.” Maximillian Degenerez

Walter Mischel, in 1972, conducted a study at Stanford, advising a group of children that they would get a treat. They could either have one treat that was sitting in front of them right away or two if they waited until the researcher returned. The children who were able to wait to gain a greater reward were the ones able to delay gratification. This “...determines the patience and control of a child. These two characteristics are essential in a child upon growing up to develop core moral values like being honest, kind, trustworthy, and responsible.”

People who have mastered delayed gratification have traits like patience, self control, discernment, and long-term thinking. People with these qualities were shown to be more likely to have long-term satisfying marriages.

While Mischel labelled this as delayed gratification, I would state this ability was also a measure of impulse control. How able are you to manage the urge to tell your boss to screw himself after he has told you your work has to be redone or not eat that piece of cake when you know your cholesterol is too high?

Poor impulse control is an inability or struggle against the pull of a powerful urge to engage in an activity that is illegal, immoral, unhealthy, or otherwise detrimental to oneself or those we care about. We all act rashly sometimes, but this is problematic when there is a pattern of frequently acting suddenly without thought into the detrimental consequences that will result.

When one’s partner lacks the ability to think through how their actions will effect your life together, you may find yourself cleaning up after them. One couple, while trying to rent an apartment, had one partner show up unexpectedly with a puppy belonging to a large breed. It is difficult enough to find an apartment willing to take a small dog, let alone a large one. After struggling to find a place to take them, the partner then came home with a second dog. People with impulse control issues want what they want when they want it.

A person once told me what he was looking for in a relationship: someone who would help him make good decisions as the poor ones he was currently making were costing him a lot. At least he was aware...

Do you love this person enough that you will monitor all their actions or put them on an allowance and generally treat them like a child? It can be exhausting to be the only grown up in a relationship. It is hard to develop trust and feel safe in these relationships. You never know what terrible surprise waits around the corner. While having to be the responsible one can tiring, having an impulsive partner can have devastating effects on your future. If they jump from job to job or money burns a hole in their pocket, will you find yourself deep in debt or without retirement savings? Can you handle all the household bills on your income alone if this were your reality?

Being in a relationship with someone with impulse control issues is like waiting for a disaster to happen. Will they sell your car for some magic beans? Will they start an affair with a fresh faced co-worker and leave you with four kids to support? Will their impulsive behaviour cause them to end up in jail? While these examples are at the extreme end of the spectrum, we need to look for signs that are less subtle. Do they just have to have the latest version of the phone as soon as it comes out? Do they carry a lot of debt on credit cards?

Impulse control disorder can be treated with therapy and, some subsets, with medication. Still, is this something you would stay through?

Impulse Control Worksheet

Look for these signs that someone has poor impulse control or an inability to delay gratification:

Do they carry a lot of debt?
Do they have drunk driving charges?
Do they have financial problems while making a decent living?
Have you seen compulsive lying?
Is there a history of fire starting?
Are there displays of explosive anger?
Is there a history of pulling one’s own hair?
Do they have a criminal record?
Is there a history of destroying others’ property?
In school, were they considered disruptive?
Do they have a history of theft?
Are they frequently drunk?
Is there a history of hurting people or animals?
Is there a history of risky sex?
Do they frequently say inappropriate things?
Do they want to move in together with you after only a brief courtship?
Do they have to have the latest and greatest of everything as soon as it comes out?
Are they indebted to a lot of people in money and in other ways?
Do they have a lot of ‘toys’, yet can't pay their rent?
Do they gamble frequently?
Is there a history of frequent risk-taking activities?
Have they often quit or been fired from jobs?
Do they say they like to be spontaneous or act on the spur of the moment?
Do they abhor lists and planning?
Do they often use the excuse: ‘you only live once’?
Do they get in fights?
Have you seen a lot of outbursts?
Is there a history of affairs or flirting with others?
Do they overeat or have trouble sticking to a diet?
Are there people that are afraid of them?
Have they been referred to as a hothead?
Do they have an addiction?
Do they have any savings?
Have they ever punched a hole in the wall?
Do they jump right in the minute they have an idea?
Has it ever been suggested they need anger management?
Do they buy things they don’t need?
When things are challenging, do they quit?
Do they have a lot of unfinished projects?
Do they often oversleep or are late for other reasons?
Do they plunge ahead with ideas even when everyone urges caution?
Do they fly by the seat of their pants?
Do they make purchases, then hide them?