Do You Understand the Driving Forces Behind Male and Female Interactions?

Do you both recognize that women often come from a place of fear, whereas men come from a place of shame?

 We have all had or know someone who has had this fight:

“Honey, you’re driving too fast,” says the wife.

“I know what I’m doing. Why are you being such a nag?” the husband replies angrily.

The wife feels bad, the husband mad. How did this get out of hand so quickly?

It seems society does not teach us that men and women, though we fight for equality, think and feel differently. Dr. Phil says that men and women are “..as naturally compatible as cats and dogs...” The clearer we become on how we are different, the more harmonious our interactions will be. It is hard for us to voice this when we are unaware why we do what we do. One of the things many do not realize is that men are triggered by feeling shamed and women are triggered by feeling fearful. In the above conversation, the wife is afraid. The husband is feeling a sense of shame from thinking that she does not trust his driving and his ability to keep her safe.

How did these gender differences begin? Beyond just genes, it’s how boys and girls are raised. Parents assign traits based on gender, even though hospital records do not note any difference. Parents do not intend to or even realize that they are treating them differently.

Why are women so fearful? Studies of children found that parents tend to treat female children as more fragile and vulnerable, cautioning them to be careful and restricting the activities in which they are allowed to participate. This leads the female children to perceive danger everywhere. Whereas a boy would be told to ‘man up’ at the sight of a snake, girls are soothed and protected in the same situation. As we age and have children, we have invested a lot by the time they are born and keeping them safe is of the utmost importance. In doing so, our all encompassing fear goes into overdrive.

Why do men see insult everywhere they look? From infancy, the same parents that tell their daughters to be careful encourage their sons to take risks and tell them to toughen up. Boys are offered less comfort, but more freedom. Brene Brown asserts that, for men, any weakness is shameful. Testosterone and socialization make men feel protective of women and children. Men from primeval times forward have had the role of providing for their families and signs that they may be lacking in the ability to keep their loved ones safe and secure and provided for are intolerable. Dr. Phil says,”...we [men] bear private shame when we feel that we have failed... Our egos are fragile...”

This is not to say that men do not feel fear and women do not feel shame; they do. After the above conversation, the woman may feel shame that she is not a good wife. That seems to be where we as women feel shame, that we are not able to do it all. The man may be feeling fear in the above scenario, that the wife will see him as weak, unable to protect her, and leave.

Jed Diamond, a therapist, has stated, “...I’ve found that shame is at the root of most relationship problems.” While most articles list money as the number one problem in marriage, Diamond explains how shame figures into that. If the mortgage cannot be paid, the wife will probably be fearful that they will end up living under a bridge, but the husband will be feeling inadequate, a complete failure as a man. Diamond goes on to say that men will look to place the blame on others when they feel inadequate, as in the example above when he suggests his wife is a nag. In its extreme form for men, he suggests, shame can lead to violence.

Barbra De Angelis, PhD, puts another spin on this, stating that, “Men hate to be wrong...and most of all, they hate it when a woman knows that they are wrong before they know it themselves.” In saying to your husband, ‘slow down’, you are making him wrong. She goes on to say, “Men often misinterpret your suggestions, advice, and feedback as attack and criticism.” As a woman who has been in this fight and totally clueless as to what was going on underneath, I never meant to question the ability or virility of the driver. I was just afraid and the way to feel better, I thought, was to be moving slower.

Self-awareness is always a first step in solving a problem. When we know we are experiencing fear, we can take steps to calm down – deep breathing and saying to ourselves, ‘there is nothing bad happening to me right now’. When we feel ashamed, we can remind ourselves we are only human and are doing the best we can.

Knowing what another is experiencing and being understanding can go a long way to avoid hurt and angry confrontations. The man needs to understand the wife is not criticizing him, but wanting relief from the panic in what she sees as a dangerous situation. The wife should realize what she thinks is an innocent request is touching a deeply felt insecurity for her partner.

Let’s see how the above conversation goes now that we know this information:

“Here I am being a big scaredy cat and asking you to slow down,” the wife says with a laugh.

“I have to drive fast if I want to catch a Stegosaurus and club it so I can feed you and the kids. Have to be big and strong, you know?” the husband says and grunts.

The wife laughs. “We had Stegosaurus last week, can’t we have Pterodactyl?”

Both laugh and the husband slows down.

How Will Your Level of Education Effect Your Relationship?

 “Marriage can wait, education cannot.” Khaled Hosseini

My dad always said that no education is ever wasted; even if you don’t end up using it, it makes you a better person. It turns out there is a further reason: if you want to decrease your chance of divorce, you should stay in school. Study after study has found that the higher your level of education, the lower your chance of divorce.

Eli Finkel, a psychologist, reports that since the early eighties, divorce rates among the university or college educated have plummeted. For couples in their forties, the divorce rate is fifty percent lower for those with a college degree, compared with those just having a high school diploma. The US Bureau of Labor Statistics found, “...the divorce rate for first marriages is nearly twenty percentage points lower for those who have completed their bachelor’s degree, compared with those who have completed high school, regardless of whether they have some college or not. The gap is even greater – approaching thirty percentage points – when comparing those with a college degree to those with less than a high school diploma.”

Finkel goes on to explain that the picture is bleak for those that don’t put a premium on education. “...people who don’t have a high school degree, people who are relatively uneducated have a higher divorce rate than ever, and a lower marriage rate, and when they are married, the marriages tend not to be as satisfying.” The divorce rate among those least educated continues to grow faster then average.

In case you missed it, people with a lower education are less likely to marry in the first place. It is shown that for men, the probability of marriage increases with education. With women too, we see the probability of a wedding goes up as education increases and so does the age at which they marry...but the better educated women are also more likely to marry, period.

We can’t say that education, per se, is the reason. Perhaps it is the sort of person that gets a higher education is more likely to remain married. People who choose higher education may be planners. Maybe they are better at communication or have better coping skills. Perhaps they are just more knowledgeable and have learned more negotiation skills. Higher education requires us to step outside our comfort zone and changes our attitudes. It could be that it’s marrying later that matters, as they say our brains at twenty-five do not correlate with who we are at fifty, but age thirty does. This makes sense, since the younger you are when you marry, the greater the divorce risk.

It stands to reason that those with less education may have poorer life circumstances. A degree is often required for higher paying jobs, so someone who didn’t complete high school may struggle each month just to get by. Finkel writes about this, “It’s really difficult to have a productive, happy marriage when your life circumstances are so stressful and when your day-to-day life involves, say three or four bus routes in order to get to your job.” Economic hardship is a factor that increases a couple’s probability of divorce. A couple that can barely pay bills each month isn’t likely to be able to access or afford sources of help like marriage counselling. In addition, people with lower levels of education are less likely to attend counselling even if it is within their means.

When we are in love and can’t get enough of this person, you can’t imagine ever not feeling this way. When something feels so good, you want forever after to start right away. It is possible, certainly, to get married and complete your education, but is it possible to give your full attention to both? It turns out it’s probably better to postpone the ceremony. When we are getting our education, it is similar to having a growing relationship. We are becoming someone new, someone different.

I have often heard the lament, ‘but I put him/her through medical school..’. Tarayn Grizzard from Harvard Medical School discovered, “Many medical students are married or become married in the course of medical school, but statistics indicate that these marriages have a poor prognosis. In some medical specialties and subspecialties, the divorce rates climb to over 50 percent...” It isn’t just medical school either. It turns out many couples, married or otherwise break up around graduation. Like I said, these are often growing relationships and after we are fully cooked, our paths diverge.

Maybe it is better to wait and see who they are on the other side of their education.