What was Your First Impression of this Person?

 “A stunning first impression was not the same thing as love at first sight. But surely it was an invitation to consider the matter.” Lois McMaster Bujold


Daphne Kingma, ‘The Love Doctor’, speaks of the "Clue of Failure": reported by people after a breakup, it’s something they saw but disregarded that was a warning things would not end well. It is not unusual to ignore red flags when we feel it is to our benefit, but you ignore them in a love relationship to your own peril.


When we are ‘drugged’ up on love hormones, we think our beloved is wonderful in every way. This is known as the ‘halo effect’. We develop an overall positive impression based on as little as one area. For example, the ‘beautiful is good’ stereotype finds that we believe that good looking people are smarter, kinder, and even morally superior. Starting in the 1960’s this was proven in experiments based on nothing more then a picture. Research has shown, though, that the stereotype often does not hold true.


I had a job that required me to do hiring. This is a very difficult task: trying to wade through the bullshit to find a gem. Someone else doing hiring said it best when he said it was like shopping at a second-hand store, trying to find that good designer outfit among items that are ripped or missing a button. You have to spend a lot of time looking and you need to pay attention to details, to the clues this might be a knock-off. Trying to find a life partner is a lot like this. When dating, everyone is on their best behaviour, trying to make a good impression. We do the right things and give the right answers.


Some people I refer to as chameleons. They take their cues from the person they are dating. Any activity or belief their intended has becomes one of the chameleon’s. They throw themselves into the beloved’s family, ingratiating themselves. It is only later, sometimes too late, when you see them for who they really are.


Erving Goffman, a sociologist, uses a theatrical metaphor to explain this: we tailor our performance to our audience. Our first dates are like a Broadway play where we expect to receive rave reviews. We have decided what character we want to play, put on our costume, have set the stage, and we have on our mask. As COVID-19 is revealing to the world, though, it is hard to wear masks for long periods of time. Eventually, we all show our true colours.


When I was going through my divorce, one of the exercises I was given was to write the story of our courtship. It was not something I wanted to do and it was very difficult not to put a nasty spin on the story. In doing the exercise, I certainly was aware of the red flags that I drove by on my way to the altar. Hindsight is twenty/twenty. Take a few minutes to write the story of your relationship. Pay attention to the bad, the ugly, and the uncomfortable feelings you had. If your first impression was negative but this person grew on you, what was it that did not strike the right chord?


We talk about gut feelings, that sense we can not articulate that a situation or person makes us uncomfortable or is not as it appears. It may be that our gut feelings originate in a part of the brain that does not have language. We may disregard this feeling when we can’t back it up with anything concrete. We may also disregard it if we really want this person in our life.


First impressions are strange, in as little as thirty seconds, we have formed an opinion of someone. Once formed, this impression is hard to change. It has been shown to be long-lasting and may endure even when conflicting evidence becomes available.


One last piece of information, if you met in a bar you are twenty-four percent more likely to get divorced. Take that as you will...

What Do Early Dates Look Like - Worksheet

The early dates should be looked at in the same way one would conduct a job interview as this is what it is, in essence: you trying to find someone to fill an opening, in perpetuity. They should be on their best behaviour and – based on personal experience – sometimes the best they have is a far cry from getting them the job.


Ask yourself these questions. These could be warning signs that you should be wary of...


  1. Do they ask inappropriate questions, push boundaries, or make inappropriate or insensitive comments?

  2. Does this person seem too good to be true?

  3. Do they do a lot of namedropping?

  4. Do you know everything about them before they even know your last name?

  5. Do they make too many jokes?

  6. Do they pass off insensitive comments as jokes?

  7. Do they throw around money early in the dating process and try too hard to impress you?

  8. Do they talk badly about their ex?

  9. Do they drink too much?

  10. Does their Facebook picture or dating profile picture say things about them you find distasteful? What does it say about their focus or how they see themselves? What message does it send to the world?

  11. Early on, do they seem disinterested in who you really are? (i.e. checking their phone too much in early dates.)

  12. Early on, was there a lot of talk about sexploits?

  13. How are date costs split? If one pays, do they say they are owed something?

  14. Are they unwilling to give an opinion?

  15. Do either of you engage in phubbing (phone snub) the other?

  16. Do they have traits of a chameleon? (i.e. anything you are into they suddenly are too.)

  17. Do they tell you your opinions are wrong?

  18. Is one party very persistent and not willing to take no for an answer?

  19. Is there a lot of unwanted touching too soon?

  20. Do they pressure you for sex too early?

  21. Is there a lot of humour, eye contact, and touching? People with avoidant personalities may use these.

  22. Do they seem seem fascinating and come across as open? People with anxious personalities may behave this way.

  23. Are they acting too clingy or too possessive too soon?

  24. Did this person before the fourth date talk too much about self, ex, kids, his/her Mom, their last breakup or your last breakup?

  25. Did they show up late for early dates?

  26. Do they deny they have baggage or refuse to share what it is?

  27. Does their laugh seem phony?

  28. Are they very picky about what they eat, their clothes, or activities?

  29. Are there days of the weeks they won’t see you for no good reason?

  30. Are they rude to wait staff?

  31. Did they swear too much or were they overly vulgar?

  32. Do they tell you early on they are struggling financially or, worse, ask you for money?

  33. Are they are only interested in doing things that interest them?

  34. Are they lacking a filter?

  35. Do they make offensive comments about a culture, race, or religion?

  36. Do you feel like you are babysitting?

  37. Do they seem like they are trying to top you after every story you tell?

  38. Do they order for you without consulting you?

  39. Did they seem too serious too soon?

  40. Are they too negative about everything?

  41. Are their feet pointed away from you?

  42. Do they seem too intimate too fast?

  43. Do they seem like they are hiding information about themselves, yet ask too many very personal questions about you?

  44. Are they too complimentary? Too affectionate too soon?

  45. Do they lack self-awareness, like when they are making you uncomfortable?

  46. Do they avoid discussing family or other issues relating to their past? What they are hiding?

  47. Does this person beat around the bush rather than get to the point?

  48. Do they try to isolate you, like turning off your phone?

  49. Do they want to win at all costs?

  1. Do they avoid difficult conversations?

  2. Are you being pressured to make a major life change?

  3. Are you being pressured for passwords?

  4. Have you been forbidden to talk about a certain topic?

  5. Do they display behaviours that could be classified as trying to buy love?

  6. Is there flirting with others in front of you?

  7. Are they pushing the boundaries of what they can get away with?

  1. Do they have traits of arrogance, self gratification, insensitivity, domination?

  2. Are they unwilling to be opposed or critiqued?

  3. Are you doing most of the compromising in dating?

  4. Do they ever use phrases like ‘if you love me you will...’?

  5. Do either of you not ask questions because you might not like what you hear?

  6. Do you feel like you never get a chance to talk? Like they are not listening?

  7. Have you been love bombed? Been told the L-word almost immediately, complimented constantly, told what you want to hear, love is expressed in extremes, make grand gestures, move too fast?

  8. Do you go along with things on their terms because you fear losing them?

  9. Was one of you way more eager to have a second date? This could be a sign the relationship may be lopsided. It may also indicate that jealousy may rear its head down the road.

Are There Dealbreakers?

This question really involves asking something of yourself first. What are your boundaries? How do you not just expect, but demand to be treated? Do you love yourself enough that you feel you deserve to be treated well? We should all have lines in the sand that indicate we feel we are worthy enough to be treated well. Boundaries are healthy and we need to have strong ones.


We are often clear about the things we want in a romantic partner: good looking, nice, sense of humor, strong, fun... We often also know what we don't want, but may not have strong boundaries about what is completely and utterly unacceptable. What do you consider a deal breaker in a relationship?


Jonason et al. (2015) in their study of relationship deal breakers, found that things such as slovenly appearance, lack of sense of humor, neediness, and low sex drive were typical of the type of traits that people listed as making a relationship a no go. For me, things of this nature would rate as undesirable, but not things that would make me walk away, especially if it was someone I loved.


As there exists no one that is perfect, relationships are a balancing act. You look at the other person and measure what you value, what you can live with, and what is unappealing to you. In order for the partnering to continue, there should be more things on the positive side or greater importance given to the items in the pro column. What I speak of here as deal breakers, though, is not attributes being off-putting, but rather unacceptable. Being unkempt may be disagreeable, but being punched is flat out wrong and criminal.


Deal breakers, as I define them here, are situations and behaviors that we will not or should not tolerate in our life and in our relationships. Dr. Phil speaks of the three As; abuse, adultery, and addiction. They can, however, be anything that you feel is significantly detrimental and do not want close to hearth and home: prison time, chronic unemployment, a history of STDs, domestic abuse charges, fire starting... These are different then the qualities we would like – rich, handy, intelligence... These are things that will send us running for the door the minute we are aware of them and lock and bar the door.


I think we can all agree that abuse is something that does not have a place, not just in marriage, but anywhere. From a young age, I was told I should not put up with being hit and I spelled that out in all my relationships. Lay a hand on me and we are over, forever. I meant it and never was I with anyone who did. While I was clear that being hit was abuse, I did not grow up with a sense of mental abuse – behaviors designed to control, isolate, manipulate, or frighten. It was not talked about then, but thankfully there is a greater dialogue these days about emotional mistreatment. Unfortunately, this type of abuse may be a little more difficult to quantify, both for yourself and your partner. Even so, it does not have a place in a marriage.


When most think of addiction we think of drugs or alcohol, whose use, once out of control, can put a strain on the functioning of day to day life. Some people successfully overcome these demons, but if there is no attempt to deal with these issues, a happy relationship may be impossible. Do not underestimate the impact of other addictions such as gambling, shopping, overeating, sex, gaming, internet, plastic surgery, or risky behavior. Often addictions are a sign of poor impulse control. Further, while someone may not have an addiction per se, one may have an addictive personality: where one becomes obsessed with an idea or activity to the detriment of other aspects of their life and this is also a quality to be concerned about.


There is something known as an open marriage, wherein it is agreed that the couple will not be monogamous. Though this was once proclaimed as revolutionizing marriage, studies suggest these end in divorce more then ninety percent of the time. This is the situation when both parties are in agreement, so when one person is doing it surreptitiously it is easy to imagine the harm it can cause. This is a betrayal plain and simple. Daphne Kingma states that, "sex is a very binding component of any relationship...it generally does have a divisive and corrosive effect when we dilute our commitment outside of our primary relationship.” Typical marriage vows contain the words 'forsaking all others' so most people equate marriage with monogamy. Kingma goes on to state that when someone goes outside their marriage repeatedly, this should indicate a basic incompatibility.


Have deal breakers been part of this person’s past? Sometimes we fall in love with a person who has had deal breakers in their past. They were once addicts, but have been clean and sober for years. People who have restraining orders against them for domestic violence, but have vowed they changed. I believe change is possible, but as Dr. Phil says, “The best predictor of future results, is past behavior.” Do you believe they have really changed or will you just keep your fingers crossed?


I think that an important talk a couple should have before they get really serious is what each of them considers a line the other should not cross. Make it clear if you are a person that does not give second chances. The media is full of stories of women who stay in abusive relationships due to men who vow to change and a sense of powerlessness these women have. So, too, the news is filled with stories of spouses that kill each other. You can love someone deeply, but if they do not show you respect and care enough to make the health of the relationship of utmost importance you need to put yourself in a situation where you will be safe and happy. Know where you stand, let the other person know, and stand your ground.


While all of this makes sense in a logical way, we may see something that we want or need more within our relationship. Perhaps a childhood spent in poverty may lead us to choose to be with someone who passes out drunk every night if it means we do not have to struggle to keep a roof over our heads. This has been called social exchange theory. While I would never counsel someone to enter a relationship where they see a deal breaker, knowing your boundaries means at the very least your eyes are open.

Is this the Right Person and Are You Both Ready for Commitment?

If they do not have both right now, are you wasting time you could spend finding someone who is both? Never push someone into more than they are ready for, it won't end well in the long run.


Is this the right person? This is different from 'do you love them'. We often put no more thought into relationships than answering the love question. We, especially when young, believe if we love deeply enough, we can overcome anything. The divorce statistics are enough to convince us otherwise. We can love someone and not be able to live with them. If it were otherwise, love would be easy.


We need to put more thought and research into who we end up with. While it is impossible to find a perfect person who never emits noxious odors or disappoints us occasionally, we should not let our discretion fall so low that we end up with someone who wounds us often and leaves us mostly unhappy. Settling for someone who checks too few boxes on our wish list just so we have someone to wake up next to is a poor recipe for fulfillment.


Similarly, entering a marriage with the idea that we can change someone or smooth out the rough edges should be a huge red flag that this is not Ms. or Mr. Right. Society seems to rub our face into the fact that we need to be part of a couple, but we should not allow the pressure to set us up for misery and perhaps divorce. Sometimes it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.


An equally important question is: are they ready for a commitment? Not everyone desires a monogamous life, so if you want the Norman Rockwell picture with two children and a white picket fence, you need to know what your partner desires in this regard.


This person may be someone you could see growing old with, but if they need to sow their oats before they even consider putting a ring on it, maybe they are not sure you are the right one. If they are still playing the field, find someone who is not. The only thing more painful then spending three years waiting for someone to commit to you before it ends is putting in four years with the same result. What if there is someone just around the corner who possesses both the readiness and the appropriateness and you are tied to an anchor, waiting, and not looking around to catch sight of them?


It may be that the person you so desperately love has FOMO – fear of missing out. Maybe there is someone better out there, maybe marriage will curtail my job opportunities, maybe casual sex is better... Television and social media have opened up our world in ways our grandparents could not have imagined in their younger days and it seems there are so many possibilities.


The solution some people resort to when they feel they have paid their dues and now a payoff is owed is to issue an ultimatum. I imagine this works as often as it leads to a break up. There is a saying,'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'. While you could see an ultimatum as setting a boundary, it could feel to those on the receiving end as a threat. No one likes to feel pressured or trapped and it is hard to feel loving and not resentful towards the person making them. Pressure may make diamonds, but if you have ever put an unopened can of food in a campfire, you have an explosion on your hands. If your partner suffers from FOMO, even if they put a ring on it, will they continue to look around? A life long commitment that will be happy and enduring should be the result of a genuine desire.


Another method is trapping someone by getting pregnant. It is more acceptable then it once was to remain unmarried after a pregnancy, but some still think this is the way to get someone to commit. This is a terrible excuse to bring life into the world. If you are a man whose partner has just found out they are pregnant, you need to ask yourself: 'if she was not pregnant would I still want to marry her?' Becoming divorced is hard enough, try it with another person for whom you are responsible.


You deserve both the right person and someone headed down the same path as you. Do not get fixated on a person and try to cram them into the picture you have of the future. Focus on the future and find someone who can not wait to take a selfie with you there. You’re worth it.

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