Are You the Flower or the Gardener in Your Relationship?

“People in relationships are either flowers or gardeners. Two flowers shouldn’t partner; they need someone to support them, to help them grow.... Flowers bloom; gardeners tend. Two flowers, no tending everything dies.” Rebecca Serle

This concept was made popular following the movie, I, Tonya. One person is the gardener - nurturing, supportive and works to make the right environment so the flower can grow and bloom. The flower on the other hand uses the support to be the best they can be. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. This doesn’t have to be gender specific. Often behind any person of note, there is a team that helped them get to where they are: parents, coaches, mentors and, yes, spouses. My father achieved much in his life and those that know of him, probably don’t even know my mother’s name. He got to where he was because my mother believed in him and supported his efforts.

I believe I could ask this question to a heterosexual couple separately and have each claim to be the gardener. Likely, almost no man is going to claim to be the flower. The way this works may not be straightforward. A gardener may be the one that brings in all or most of the income, but not necessarily. There are sports superstars raking in the big bucks while their partners may only make a pittance in comparison. The partner is in the background, taking care of the kids, home and life, letting the flower bloom. Men, on average, continue to provide more of the household income in many marriages. They could make a case that they are the gardener. Women, even when they work full time do more of the housework and childcare. They could make a case that they are the gardener.

In the emotional sense, some people require a lot of attention, they are like exotic orchids that need exactly the right conditions to thrive. Some people need everything to be about them. If they are not getting enough good attention, they will seek negative attention. If you are with a high maintenance person or a drama queen, you are likely the gardener. One’s Love Language may come into play here; someone whose language is Acts of Service fits naturally into the Gardener role.

In real life it becomes less clear who assumes what role. I believe in all relationships there are times and ways in which each person is the gardener and ways in which each is the flower. Over the course of the relationship we play both roles, swapping back and forth in these roles. A woman that put her spouse through school and helped them get a great job, now has a high risk pregnancy and needs months of bed rest. It’s now her partner's turn to be the gardener. There are times in everyone’s adult life when they require some nurturing. No matter how tough one is, when we have lost a significant parent or are extremely ill we need someone to provide us with a little TLC. The question is, can or will they be the gardener when it’s needed?

I can foresee problems in continually being the gardener. Without a balance between the roles one could burn out. We help our partner to bloom, we work to put them through school. We do all the housework and child care so they can study. We help them with their resume. They finally make it. Now that they have bloomed will they may want someone that is more in line with their new version?

How will you take turns in each role as your needs change over time? If all one does is take, this can take a toll on the relationship from which you may not return. While I can’t find any studies on the matter, I would suspect couples where one is continuously the emotional and physical gardener the divorce rate is higher. I think we should look at the relationship as a garden and each of us as a gardener working to make it a fertile environment so that the yield is abundant.

What Happens if There is Infertility?

Co-Written with C.J. Fitzpatrick

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage” Nursery Rhyme

For most heterosexual couples, that’s how they expect marriage to go. I, for one, expected that when we started trying it would just happen – immediately, with little or no effort. It took some time, more than I expected, but happen it did. I believe that had it not, I would have been devastated.

According to the CDC, among married women aged fifteen to forty-nine years with no prior births, about one in five are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying, which is the clinical definition of infertility. Despite such a staggering statistic, people tend to put little forethought into the possibility that this might happen to them and are therefore unprepared if and when it does.

This is definitely a conversation worth having, seeing as a study done by the medical journal Obstetrics and Gynaecology found that following unsuccessful fertility treatments, couples were three times more likely to end their relationship than couples whose treatments were successful.

Not everyone enters into a long-term relationship with the intention of having children. This is a good question to start off the conversation: do we want to have children at all? Some people enter into marriage without even having put much thought into the matter. They assume their partner is simply on the same page as them. Sometimes, couples have had the conversation, know they’re on different pages, and simply assume the other will change their mind. There are likely couples who have entered into marriage knowing their partner is on a different page, said they will think about it, all the while knowing they’re never going to change their mind. Is this fair?

Should infertility become an issue, how devastated would you be? Is having children a dealbreaker for you? Infertility can affect one partner, but not the other, or be an issue for both partners. Would you stay with someone if they were the problem, but you were fully capable of having children?

It seems that women are often more willing to accept that they’re the ‘problem’ – and therefore more willing to seek treatment options – while men may have more difficulty accepting their infertility. Oftentimes, a man’s virility is seen as being a sign of his ‘manliness’ and when infertility strikes them, they may feel as if they’re less of a man and it becomes a very shameful secret. Would this become an issue for your relationship, should this happen to you?

It’s also worth mentioning here that this is an issue that equally – if not moreso – affects LGBTQ+ couples for whom there isn’t always the luxury of an unassisted pregnancy.

1. Are you aware and prepared for the costs of fertility treatments? Have you considered additional expenses, such as travel costs, etc.

2. Are you aware of the different types of fertility treatments and are you open to any/all of them?

3. Do you have a limit of what you’re willing to spend and/or try? What is your time frame for trying?

4. What if the treatments are unsuccessful?

5. Is adoption something you’ve considered and are comfortable with?

6. Would you be willing to adopt an older or disabled child?

7. Would you use a surrogate if fertility issues only effected one member of the couple?

8. If you had a child that biologically belonged to only one member of the couple, would you feel differently towards that child?

9. Would you feel comfortable talking openly about your fertility issues or would it be secretive?

10. How would you feel about fostering children?

11. If you’re going the adoption route, would you want to adopt from a foreign country?

LGBTQ+:

12. Would you both want to try to become pregnant?

13. Would you want the sperm/egg donor to be someone you know?

14. If you’re using a known donor, are you prepared to accept that person’s medical history?

15. Have you done research into the laws concerning biological parent rights?

16. Should you later split up, how will you navigate the legalities if one person is biologically related to the child and the other not?

17. If using a known donor, would they have a role in the child’s life? Would you tell the child and if so, when?

Having a child is a serious decision and it’s not one that should be made lightly. Facing infertility can then feel like navigating a field of landmines, but the first step should be having conversations long before it ever becomes an issue.